Let's focus on the little things

Like the warm wind as we walk by the lake, me holding Helena while Franny is pushing the stroller
Or the discovery of Helena's chubby arms on the first day they're wearing T-shirts this spring
The feeling of the sand on my nose because we spend each afternoon at the sand box
The memories of past springs, each with its own flavors
The coffee and tea breaks on coté sud (that's the lakeside, for them fools)
The feeling of safety when we both take positions on the couch to watch another Dowton Abbey episode.


If I could just focus on the little things, it would all be better. You can't lose when you focus on the little things. But I'm a big thing kind of girl, always have been. I hope it changes, lil by lil

Better in English than in nothing

I keep it inside. I don't know how and when I have become this person who keeps it inside. I used to wear my fears and sadness all over myself. Now I pretend they don't exist, while I read meaningless or meaningful things on Facebook, while I work like a maniac, or take the girls for long walks. Sometimes it creeps up, but I stuff it back in. Who wants to think about how sick their mother is and how they are really not doing much to help her?

My mom got diagnosed with MS when I was 18, but she had been sick for years before that. Then it got progressively worse. She could not come to my American wedding. She could not go to restaurants, because it was hard for her to use her utensils to eat. She could not go on walks. She could not take care of my daughters, she could not even hold them. For many years I have been having dreams at night that she could do all these things. That we are out having dinner, for example. Normal things for most. Now I have dreams that she can speak. We're not saying anything important, we just speak. And I am so so happy in those dreams.

One day I will just have to start letting in out and not in dreams.

Ce-mi mai spune mie inima

De ce mi-e greu sa accept teoriile moderne de parenting, alea cu atasament si sacrificiu :

1. Pentru ca implica idolatrizarea copilului. Bebelusul devine imaginea a tot ce e pur si frumos pe lume, lumina care ne calauzeste in viata, noul adevar, noul sens. Mi-a mai ramas o bruma de credinta religioasa, si credinta asta include convingerea ca nu e bine sa idolatrizam oamenii de langa noi. Pe langa asta, simt eu asa ca nu e bine nici pentru copil, pentru ca fiind pus pe un asemenea piedestal nu are cum sa nu dezamageasca la un moment dat. Toate visele pe care le investim in ei vor apasa greu in traistuta lor. Copiii nostri sunt oameni, ne vor dezamagi, vor avea esecuri, vor gresi, si la un moment dat vor pleca de acasa. E deja a doua carte pe care o citesc despre generatiile actuale de copii care au fost crescuti cu sentimentul ca sunt speciali, unici, si pot face orice (prima aici, a doua aici). Statistic vorbind, e imposibil sa fim toti ‘speciali’ si daca ne indoctrinam copiii cu ideea asta, vor suferi diverse dezamagiri atunci cand isi dau seama ca sunt doar oameni ca toti ceilalti.

2. Pentru ca reduce eu-rile parintilor la doar unul – cel de parinti. Iar eu cred ca fiecare din noi avem multiple eu-ri – de parinte, de partener, de prieten, de cercetator, de profesor, de artist, etc. Si se pare ca oamenii care au mai multe eu-ri pe care le ingrijesc cum se cuvine sunt mai fericiti si mai adaptabili. De aceea nu cred ca sacrificarea celorlalte eu-ri aduce mari beneficii parintilor si chiar copiilor pe termen lung.

3. Pentru ca nu e intotdeauna posibil. Poate asta e cel mai important motiv, poate ca e frustrarea mea. Eu nu am reusit sa imi ‘port’ gemenele deodata, mi-a fost greu sa le alaptez la cerere deodata, sa dorm cu amandoua in pat, sa raspund la cel mai mic scancet al fiecareia (pentru ca de cele mai multe ori scanceau in tandem). Desi, ca mama de gemeni, cel mai greu lucru ramane ca nu m-am putut niciodata concentra doar pe una din ele 100%, ma intreb uneori daca nu e mai bine asa, pana la urma… pentru ca m-a salvat de la un parenting obsesiv, pe care firea mea un pic obsesiva l-ar fi imbratisat din prima.

Pana la urma, fiecare face cum ii spune inima.

My America

As I walk down the street from work to the bus station, through an area that even Bob described as "American" because of its industrialized look, I find myself missing America. As long as I don't see the lake, the mountains, and the bread, my heart feels free to miss everything I lived for those short seven years in the US. I thought to make a list, in the organized, efficient style of Americans that has always fitted me so well.

I miss the endless possibilities of America, that feeling that you can do anything you want and be anybody you want. It drives some people crazy, I know. But for me, it was just the right amount of hope.

I miss English. In the midst of refreshing my French, I realized how important and dear the English language is for me. I want to read and write in English. Like America, English is full of possibilities, you can express yourself in a thousand different ways, at a thousand different levels. It's such a democratic language!

I miss the music. Somehow I felt closer to it in the US, I don't understand why.

I miss that sense of excellence that rubbed off on me and then stayed for a while until the Swiss modesty quietly took over.

I miss Patti and I miss Frances, my two friends.

The happy list

Lucruri care ma fac fericita, un fel de adaptare la leapsa de la Easy Peasy

1. Michael. Istoria noastra, viitorul nostru impreuna. Orice iesire cu el, orice conversatie, spiritul lui de calator, glumele lui pe care doar eu le cunosc, iubirea lui pentru fiicele noastre.
2. Catalina, sora mea. Pentru ca oricat de departe am fi fizic, simtim la fel si gandim la fel. Pentru ca ma face sa imi dau seama ce importante sunt legaturile de sange si familia. Si pentru ca oricate certuri am avut, am trecut peste ele.
3. Helena, prima nascuta :) Pentru ca rade asa frumos cu dintii ei mari si are o vointa de fier, care acum ia forma incapatanarii, dar mai tarziu o va face o femeie puternica. A petrecut o luna de zile invatand sa mearga in patru labe, ea singura incercand diferite strategii in mijlocul camerei. Acum alearga prin casa si se rostogoleste peste cap in iarba, si nu se supara cand cade, ci se ridica constincioasa in picioare. Pentru ca se calmeaza daca o iau in brate, si cand avea patru luni reuseam sa o conving sa doarma lipita de mine pana la 10 dimineata cu un san bine plasat. Pentru ca seamana cu Michael.
4. Franny, pentru ca are o lumina in ea pe care nici eu nu mi-o pot explica. Pentru ca de la prima ecografie a fost mai mica decat Helena, si totusi a supravietuit si a fost intotdeauna puternica. Pentru ca zambeste cu toata fiinta ei si nu se supara pe Helena care ii da scatoalce in cap. Si pentru ca miroase nemaipomenit, intocmai ca sora ei.
5. Gandul ca intr-o zi poate vom mai avea un copil.
6. Amintirile, pe care nu mi le ia nimeni. Amintirile de cand eram mici si eram toti patru sanatosi, mama si tata se intelegeau bine. Cand o auzeam pe mama razand in hohote cu prietenii in timp ce noi mergeam la culcare. Sejururile de septembrie la mare, saritul prin balti, mesele de duminica. Fiecare an are o identitate foarte bine stabilita in memoria mea de elefant. 2003 anul in care am inceput sa il iubesc pe Michael si in care am descoperit America. 2006 anul in care am simtit acut cum valorile mele s-au schimbat dupa 3 ani in America. 2008 anul in care am slabit, m-am maritat, si am inceput sa imi inving unele frici. Toti anii astia au un miros, temperatura, imagini anume. Doar ale mele.
7. Educatia. Pentru ca dupa ani si ani de educatie, pot lucra ce imi place si imi pot intretine familia facand ce imi place.
8. ACUM. prezentul, fiecare moment. E un lucru egoist, stiu. Dar de mai bine de o luna traiesc cu frica reala ca va suna telefonul si voi afla ca mama mea nu mai este. Si singura mea solutie e sa ma bucur de fiecare moment care ar putea fi momentul dinainte de acest telefon.

Stiu ca ar trebui sa ajung la 10 lucruri, dar chiar nu mai am altceva. Ajunge, sunt lucruri mari.

Freitag

I have a new obsession, which combined with the compulsion to count that I borrowed from Michael, makes me... an obsessive compulsive.

My new obsession is something very Swiss - the Freitag bag. Freitag bags are made of used truck canopies, used seat belts, recycled airbags, and bycicle inner tubes beyond repair. They are one-of-a-kind, colorful, and super tough. They are made by Swiss, in Switzerland, and are of arrogant Swiss quality, as they note on their webiste: "As for us, we are Swiss, which means we are acutely quality-conscious. We apply our recycled materials in a totally new way, insisting on superlative design and functionality. "

These bags are super expensive (from $200 up), but they're supposed to last a lifetime. Swiss actually use them for a lifetime, it seems - because the ones I see on the street look so dirty that it makes you think they we run over by an airplane and then a dirt truck, some 50 years ago. And they are ultra popular. I tried to count them one day on the street, but since a number doesn's say much, I will just illustrate. Yesterday, as we were having a drink in a hip bar on our date night, as one Freitag bag came in for a beer, another Freitag bag was leaving. So yes, everybody has them. And yes, they're expensive, not delicate, and if I buy one I will just make some rich people from a rich country even richer. But look, isn't she pretty?

Acum, la 1 an

Cum imi doresc eu sa fiu in calitate de mama:
- vreau sa fiu acolo. Nu in sensul de acolo, fizic, 100% - ci cand sunt cu ele vreau sa fiu prezenta, sa nu fiu cu un ochi in google reader si unul la ele. In viitor, vreau sa stiu prin ce trec ele, sa le fiu alaturi, sa ma simta aproape si de nadejde
- sa fiu fericita. Nu vreau sa fiu o mama care se sacrifica si apoi scoate ochii copiilor cu toate chestiile la care a renuntat. Vreau sa lucrez, sa petrec timp cu Michael, cu prietenii, sa fac sport, sa fac lucuri care ma fac fericita dincolo de motherhood. Cred ca in timp copiii apreciaza asta.

Deci nici nu vreau prea multe, asa-i?