Today I taught the last lecture of my first semester of teaching. Even though there are still plenty of things left to do, I feel that I am over a huge hurdle. I spent endless hours in the last three months preparing lectures and materials for my class. I can definitely say that it has been the most challenging professional thing I've done so far. Some people are born to teach. I am not, but I still want to be good at it. That's why it was so hard. But I did learn a lot.
I learned that work doesn't make me happy. Not even good work. Whenever I had a good lecture, I felt good about it, but I hated that something work-related made me feel good. I know, I am weird.
I learned that I only live truly and fully when I am with the people I love and/or when I am on vacation.
I learned that some lectures are good and some are bad, regardless of how much I prepare. It pisses me off that I can't figure out how to control that.
I learned that, unlike me, most students don't like to listen. They like to talk and watch YouTube videos.
I learned that my adviser appreciates me and cares for me far more than I thought.
I learned that, because I hate being concerned and anxious about work, I turn these anxieties against myself, especially against my body. For about a month, I had this continuous neck and arm pain. An expensive pillow, some muscle relaxers, and the realization that it's ok to be bothered by work stuff helped me a lot. I am still in pain from time to time, but I can manage it.
I learned that I like to wear serious clothes and high heels.
I learned that I tend to use upspeak, and I should stop doing that. Upseak is when you end a statement as if you're asking a questions. It makes you seem less confident.
And I learned again how lucky I am to have Michael, my sister, my mum, and my friends to talk to about all this.