List.

Today I taught the last lecture of my first semester of teaching. Even though there are still plenty of things left to do, I feel that I am over a huge hurdle. I spent endless hours in the last three months preparing lectures and materials for my class. I can definitely say that it has been the most challenging professional thing I've done so far. Some people are born to teach. I am not, but I still want to be good at it. That's why it was so hard. But I did learn a lot.

I learned that work doesn't make me happy. Not even good work. Whenever I had a good lecture, I felt good about it, but I hated that something work-related made me feel good. I know, I am weird.

I learned that I only live truly and fully when I am with the people I love and/or when I am on vacation.

I learned that some lectures are good and some are bad, regardless of how much I prepare. It pisses me off that I can't figure out how to control that.

I learned that, unlike me, most students don't like to listen. They like to talk and watch YouTube videos.

I learned that my adviser appreciates me and cares for me far more than I thought.

I learned that, because I hate being concerned and anxious about work, I turn these anxieties against myself, especially against my body. For about a month, I had this continuous neck and arm pain. An expensive pillow, some muscle relaxers, and the realization that it's ok to be bothered by work stuff helped me a lot. I am still in pain from time to time, but I can manage it.

I learned that I like to wear serious clothes and high heels.

I learned that I tend to use upspeak, and I should stop doing that. Upseak is when you end a statement as if you're asking a questions. It makes you seem less confident.

And I learned again how lucky I am to have Michael, my sister, my mum, and my friends to talk to about all this.

Apel

catre baieti: Alex, Bogdan, Marian, Norbi si Stefan.

Dragii mei,
m-as bucura daca ati veni la Arad un pic mai devreme decat am auzit ca planuiti. Eu plec pe 31 Decembrie inapoi, si asta inseamana ca plec din Arad pe 30 seara. Daca voi veniti pe 29, atunci probabil vom putea petrece doar o seara impreuna, ceea ce mi-ar frange inima. Promit ca o sa fac o noua bautura citrico-alcolica, ca imi aduc playlistul de dansat la care lucrez de o luna, si ca nu o sa adorm. No bine?

Sa mai intrati pă blog

Bine, dar eu de ce nu mai scriu? S-au intamplat atatea. Dar nu sunt intamplari de blog. Nu am nicio observatie smechera, nicio critica acida, nicio nostalgie universala. Zilele astea scriu intr-un caiet, pentru ca acolo pot fi sincera si proasta si siropoasa. Plus ca am citit niste studii care spun ca ajuta.

Am emotii ca mergem acasa. N-am mai fost pe timp de iarna din 2004, cand a fost greu. Acum stau doar 10 zile. Sper sa stiu sa profit de ele.

Ma enerveaza pe Gmailul in romana ca zice "intrati pe chat". Ce-i cu "pe"-ul ala? Bine ca nu zice "Intrati pă chat".

(imi amintesc de o mica sceneta pe care o aveam cu Oli sau Cata despre "pe" vs "in". Gesticulam ceva. Vai, cate scenete aveam. Tin minte foarte bine sceneta cu domnul de la fabrica care isi scutura piciorul ca sa ii pice un cui prin buzunarul rupt, in timp ce se sprijinea de zid, si colegul lui i-a retezat mana crezand se curenteaza. Eu eram muncitorul, Oli era colegul care reteza mana.)