Vreau decat sa nu predau

Citeam ce scria Stingo despre scoala si examenele orale si mi-am dat seama ca exact asa ma simt eu cand vine vorba de predat. Zilele in care trebuie sa predau mi se par de cosmar - fie ca lectia iese bine sau prost, nu suport zilele in care trebuie sa predau. Nu suport sa fiu in fata a 40 de oameni care PLATESC sa fie acolo. Semestrul asta predau un curs de seara, si nu suport ca majoritatea studentilor mei sunt mai in varsta decat mine, castiga mai mult, si au mai multa experienta de viata.

Nu suport ca am accent, ca folosesc prepozitii gresite si ca nu pronunt corect unele cuvine (asa cum m-a atentionat o studenta dupa curs saptamana trecuta). Si dupa fiecare curs care nu imi iese bine simt ca de fapt eu nu stiu nimic, si ca nici nu are rost sa stiu pentru ca studentii oricum o sa creada ce vor ei despre psihologia sociala si nu ce scrie la carte. Si inca un lucru - nu suport ca de fiecare data dupa ce predau ma gandesc la curs ore intregi in loc sa ma duc acasa si sa ma gandesc la Michael sau Stella sau carnea de porc din frigider care trebuie gatita ca daca nu se strica.

(si ma gandesc oare cum se simte Hillary in fiecare seara)

Am citit intr-o carte ca daca tot trebuie sa facem unele lucruri, adica daca tot trebuie sa muncim, ar fi bine sa incepem sa ne placa ceea ce facem, pentru ca altfel pierdem jumatate din viata fiind nemultumiti si ursuzi. Dar mie mi-e asa de greu sa gasesc ce imi place la predat, incat incep sa ma gandesc ca mi-am gresit cariera.

"Baby, I feel so alone"

My dear friends, I miss dancing with you all, like we did in December, on this beautiful song:



I dream of having all of you around, dressing up, and dancing all night. Even Michael and Cristi would dance. One day...

10 Years Ago

Inspired by Stingoo, I will write about how I was 10 years ago, even though I wasn't tagged (coughs). I am writing merely because I like to remember things.

Ten years ago I was in my last year of high-school, studying hard for the University entrance exams. I was studying Psychology and Biology, sometimes surprised that I liked Biology a lot more. Like most Romanian students preparing for the entrance exam, I used to go to tutoring once a week - Psychology on Mondays and Biology on Saturday mornings. I remember I had my "tutoring uniform," jeans and a jacket, which annoyed the hell out of my sister.

I had been in love with C. for a year and a half, crying myself to sleep, and not realizing the obvious (which I only realized eight years after anyway). Everybody was turning 18 that year, and the popular "sweet 18" parties started to fill up my social and romantic agenda - making out with C. at those parties was pretty much my only romantic involvement. Of course that didn't help with the crying myself to sleep part.

I was also going through withdrawal from not being in the theater group anymore. However, I would "sneak out" to do it. I particularly remember one time when I participated in this show at school (I had to recite a tragic poem about Federico Garcia Lorca), while my mom got her MRI in Cluj and was diagnosed with MS. I felt really guilty.

The year ended well, with me ranking the 7th out of 500 candidates for the entrance exam at the University, going to Bucharest several times ("Oare ce imi place mai mult, sa frec sau sa fiu frecata?"), going to the seaside with my sister, Oli, Bibanu & Ovi (very good times: anchovies burgers, Tanita, dancing, and talking until dawn), the spectacular solar eclipse in Bucharest, and so much more.

Edit: no Solar Eclipse that year. Stingoo says it was in 1999, and I believe him because I know it was a day he loves to remember.

Something good to believe in

For a while I have been troubled by not being able to believe in much. This winter I realized that if there is one thing I believe in, that is people. And if there is one place I believe in people most, that is Romania. Again and again, every time I go home I fall in love.

My sister's love and passion for everything. Her joy when I got enough sleep even though she didn't get much. My mom's openness and dark humor. My dad's kindness and endless gifts. Oli's planned drinking and warm hugs. Cristi's smile, the best smile in the Northern hemisphere. Michii's warm (almost motherly) concern whenever we visited her and her DJ-ing skills, Alex's quietness, Bogdan's happiness, Marius' charm late at night, Corina's lovely family, and so on so on so on. I wish I saw all of them every day of my life.