Better in English than in nothing

I keep it inside. I don't know how and when I have become this person who keeps it inside. I used to wear my fears and sadness all over myself. Now I pretend they don't exist, while I read meaningless or meaningful things on Facebook, while I work like a maniac, or take the girls for long walks. Sometimes it creeps up, but I stuff it back in. Who wants to think about how sick their mother is and how they are really not doing much to help her?

My mom got diagnosed with MS when I was 18, but she had been sick for years before that. Then it got progressively worse. She could not come to my American wedding. She could not go to restaurants, because it was hard for her to use her utensils to eat. She could not go on walks. She could not take care of my daughters, she could not even hold them. For many years I have been having dreams at night that she could do all these things. That we are out having dinner, for example. Normal things for most. Now I have dreams that she can speak. We're not saying anything important, we just speak. And I am so so happy in those dreams.

One day I will just have to start letting in out and not in dreams.