Ionuka

Ce-mi mai spune mie inima

2011-12-22T10:04:00.002-05:00

De ce mi-e greu sa accept teoriile moderne de parenting, alea cu atasament si sacrificiu :

1. Pentru ca implica idolatrizarea copilului. Bebelusul devine imaginea a tot ce e pur si frumos pe lume, lumina care ne calauzeste in viata, noul adevar, noul sens. Mi-a mai ramas o bruma de credinta religioasa, si credinta asta include convingerea ca nu e bine sa idolatrizam oamenii de langa noi. Pe langa asta, simt eu asa ca nu e bine nici pentru copil, pentru ca fiind pus pe un asemenea piedestal nu are cum sa nu dezamageasca la un moment dat. Toate visele pe care le investim in ei vor apasa greu in traistuta lor. Copiii nostri sunt oameni, ne vor dezamagi, vor avea esecuri, vor gresi, si la un moment dat vor pleca de acasa. E deja a doua carte pe care o citesc despre generatiile actuale de copii care au fost crescuti cu sentimentul ca sunt speciali, unici, si pot face orice (prima aici, a doua aici). Statistic vorbind, e imposibil sa fim toti ‘speciali’ si daca ne indoctrinam copiii cu ideea asta, vor suferi diverse dezamagiri atunci cand isi dau seama ca sunt doar oameni ca toti ceilalti.

2. Pentru ca reduce eu-rile parintilor la doar unul – cel de parinti. Iar eu cred ca fiecare din noi avem multiple eu-ri – de parinte, de partener, de prieten, de cercetator, de profesor, de artist, etc. Si se pare ca oamenii care au mai multe eu-ri pe care le ingrijesc cum se cuvine sunt mai fericiti si mai adaptabili. De aceea nu cred ca sacrificarea celorlalte eu-ri aduce mari beneficii parintilor si chiar copiilor pe termen lung.

3. Pentru ca nu e intotdeauna posibil. Poate asta e cel mai important motiv, poate ca e frustrarea mea. Eu nu am reusit sa imi ‘port’ gemenele deodata, mi-a fost greu sa le alaptez la cerere deodata, sa dorm cu amandoua in pat, sa raspund la cel mai mic scancet al fiecareia (pentru ca de cele mai multe ori scanceau in tandem). Desi, ca mama de gemeni, cel mai greu lucru ramane ca nu m-am putut niciodata concentra doar pe una din ele 100%, ma intreb uneori daca nu e mai bine asa, pana la urma… pentru ca m-a salvat de la un parenting obsesiv, pe care firea mea un pic obsesiva l-ar fi imbratisat din prima.

Pana la urma, fiecare face cum ii spune inima.

My America

2011-10-19T05:05:00.000-04:00

As I walk down the street from work to the bus station, through an area that even Bob described as "American" because of its industrialized look, I find myself missing America. As long as I don't see the lake, the mountains, and the bread, my heart feels free to miss everything I lived for those short seven years in the US. I thought to make a list, in the organized, efficient style of Americans that has always fitted me so well.

I miss the endless possibilities of America, that feeling that you can do anything you want and be anybody you want. It drives some people crazy, I know. But for me, it was just the right amount of hope.

I miss English. In the midst of refreshing my French, I realized how important and dear the English language is for me. I want to read and write in English. Like America, English is full of possibilities, you can express yourself in a thousand different ways, at a thousand different levels. It's such a democratic language!

I miss the music. Somehow I felt closer to it in the US, I don't understand why.

I miss that sense of excellence that rubbed off on me and then stayed for a while until the Swiss modesty quietly took over.

I miss Patti and I miss Frances, my two friends.

The happy list

2011-07-25T15:16:00.005-04:00

Lucruri care ma fac fericita, un fel de adaptare la leapsa de la Easy Peasy

1. Michael. Istoria noastra, viitorul nostru impreuna. Orice iesire cu el, orice conversatie, spiritul lui de calator, glumele lui pe care doar eu le cunosc, iubirea lui pentru fiicele noastre.
2. Catalina, sora mea. Pentru ca oricat de departe am fi fizic, simtim la fel si gandim la fel. Pentru ca ma face sa imi dau seama ce importante sunt legaturile de sange si familia. Si pentru ca oricate certuri am avut, am trecut peste ele.
3. Helena, prima nascuta :) Pentru ca rade asa frumos cu dintii ei mari si are o vointa de fier, care acum ia forma incapatanarii, dar mai tarziu o va face o femeie puternica. A petrecut o luna de zile invatand sa mearga in patru labe, ea singura incercand diferite strategii in mijlocul camerei. Acum alearga prin casa si se rostogoleste peste cap in iarba, si nu se supara cand cade, ci se ridica constincioasa in picioare. Pentru ca se calmeaza daca o iau in brate, si cand avea patru luni reuseam sa o conving sa doarma lipita de mine pana la 10 dimineata cu un san bine plasat. Pentru ca seamana cu Michael.
4. Franny, pentru ca are o lumina in ea pe care nici eu nu mi-o pot explica. Pentru ca de la prima ecografie a fost mai mica decat Helena, si totusi a supravietuit si a fost intotdeauna puternica. Pentru ca zambeste cu toata fiinta ei si nu se supara pe Helena care ii da scatoalce in cap. Si pentru ca miroase nemaipomenit, intocmai ca sora ei.
5. Gandul ca intr-o zi poate vom mai avea un copil.
6. Amintirile, pe care nu mi le ia nimeni. Amintirile de cand eram mici si eram toti patru sanatosi, mama si tata se intelegeau bine. Cand o auzeam pe mama razand in hohote cu prietenii in timp ce noi mergeam la culcare. Sejururile de septembrie la mare, saritul prin balti, mesele de duminica. Fiecare an are o identitate foarte bine stabilita in memoria mea de elefant. 2003 anul in care am inceput sa il iubesc pe Michael si in care am descoperit America. 2006 anul in care am simtit acut cum valorile mele s-au schimbat dupa 3 ani in America. 2008 anul in care am slabit, m-am maritat, si am inceput sa imi inving unele frici. Toti anii astia au un miros, temperatura, imagini anume. Doar ale mele.
7. Educatia. Pentru ca dupa ani si ani de educatie, pot lucra ce imi place si imi pot intretine familia facand ce imi place.
8. ACUM. prezentul, fiecare moment. E un lucru egoist, stiu. Dar de mai bine de o luna traiesc cu frica reala ca va suna telefonul si voi afla ca mama mea nu mai este. Si singura mea solutie e sa ma bucur de fiecare moment care ar putea fi momentul dinainte de acest telefon.

Stiu ca ar trebui sa ajung la 10 lucruri, dar chiar nu mai am altceva. Ajunge, sunt lucruri mari.

Freitag

2011-05-28T13:57:00.002-04:00

I have a new obsession, which combined with the compulsion to count that I borrowed from Michael, makes me... an obsessive compulsive.

My new obsession is something very Swiss - the Freitag bag. Freitag bags are made of used truck canopies, used seat belts, recycled airbags, and bycicle inner tubes beyond repair. They are one-of-a-kind, colorful, and super tough. They are made by Swiss, in Switzerland, and are of arrogant Swiss quality, as they note on their webiste: "As for us, we are Swiss, which means we are acutely quality-conscious. We apply our recycled materials in a totally new way, insisting on superlative design and functionality. "

These bags are super expensive (from $200 up), but they're supposed to last a lifetime. Swiss actually use them for a lifetime, it seems - because the ones I see on the street look so dirty that it makes you think they we run over by an airplane and then a dirt truck, some 50 years ago. And they are ultra popular. I tried to count them one day on the street, but since a number doesn's say much, I will just illustrate. Yesterday, as we were having a drink in a hip bar on our date night, as one Freitag bag came in for a beer, another Freitag bag was leaving. So yes, everybody has them. And yes, they're expensive, not delicate, and if I buy one I will just make some rich people from a rich country even richer. But look, isn't she pretty?

Acum, la 1 an

2011-05-23T07:28:00.002-04:00

Cum imi doresc eu sa fiu in calitate de mama:
- vreau sa fiu acolo. Nu in sensul de acolo, fizic, 100% - ci cand sunt cu ele vreau sa fiu prezenta, sa nu fiu cu un ochi in google reader si unul la ele. In viitor, vreau sa stiu prin ce trec ele, sa le fiu alaturi, sa ma simta aproape si de nadejde
- sa fiu fericita. Nu vreau sa fiu o mama care se sacrifica si apoi scoate ochii copiilor cu toate chestiile la care a renuntat. Vreau sa lucrez, sa petrec timp cu Michael, cu prietenii, sa fac sport, sa fac lucuri care ma fac fericita dincolo de motherhood. Cred ca in timp copiii apreciaza asta.

Deci nici nu vreau prea multe, asa-i?

Despre perfectiune

2011-05-21T06:05:00.004-04:00

In unele seri, dupa ce culca fetele, ma duc sa alerg pe malul lacului. Nimic impresionant, doar vreo 4-5 kilometri. Dupa ani si ani de incercari, mi-am dat seama ca nu imi place sa alerg cu muzica. Fiecare melodie are ritm diferit, si nu e intotdeauna ritmul in care vreau sa alerg. Asa ca mi-am pus pe iphone niste Ted Talks, pe care am inceput sa le ascult ieri.
Am inceput cu una a lui Elizabeth Gilbert, autoarea lui Eat Pray Love, dar mi s-a facut sila rapid pentru ca respira prin toti porii superficialitate. Am continuat cu alta a unei profesoare de social work din SUA - Brené Brown. Nu cred ca imi place de ea 100%, nu as fi fan infocat, dar mi-au ramas in minte cateva idei. A vorbit despre cercetarea ei referitoare la vulnerabilitate si spunea ca oamenii fericiti pe care i-a cunoscut, oamenii care se simt iubiti, sunt oameni care cred cu adevarat ca merita sa fie iubiti. Si astia sunt oameni care au curajul de a se arata vulnerabili si imperfecti in fata altora - de a cere ajutorul, de a-si recunoaste fricile, de a incerca lucruri noi. Si totusi, noi ne crestem copiii exact invers: le spunem ca sunt perfecti, nemaipomeniti, ca nu e nimeni ca ei, ca sunt cei mai buni. Copiii astia au o stima de sine ridicata, dar la un moment dat vor fi pusi in fata adevarului: sunt imperfecti. Si de acolo incepe o adevarata lupta a omului contemporan, lupta de a fi perfect pentru a se simti merituosi de iubirea celorlalti.

Ceea ce a sugerat Brené Brown ca solutie, mi se pare de bun simt: sa ne crestem copiii cu constiinta faptului ca sunt imperfecti, dar ca merita sa fie iubiti. Sa stie ca si ceilalti sunt imperfecti, dar merita sa fie iubiti. The big unconditional love.

In situatia in care eu inca ma simt un impostor in rolul de parinte, asta mi se pare un lucru simplu si totusi atat de complicat de realizat. Trebuie sa recunosc ca fetele noastre sunt perfect imperfecte. Helena se comporta uneori ca un baiat de clasa a 6-a iar Franny... e mai in urma ca media la dezvoltarea motrica. Abia a invatat sa mearga in patru labe, sa se ridice in picioare, desi danseaza de la vreo 9 luni, haha. Nu stiu de ce, dar in totdeauna mi-am imaginat ca voi avea copii avansati: grasi, care umbla inainte de un an, si vorbesc in propozitii la 13 luni. Niciuna din astea nu se intampla. Si totusi, spre surprinderea mea, nu mi-e greu sa accept asta. Ma bucur ca ma invata de mici ca sunt imperfecte but worthy of love.

Michael, the American with an Eastern European soul

2011-03-29T16:53:00.004-04:00

The girls go to bed early, before 7:30 pm. Afterwards we have some time to do whatever pleases us, including cook, eat, jog, work, watch movies, and more. Lately, Michael has developed a little obsession for modern Romanian movies. It all stared with "4 months..." a few years ago, and more recently with "Tuesday after Christmas." Coming home one day, I discovered about five Romanian movies that he downloaded that day. So we started watching them, one every night. A few nights ago we were wondering again which movie to watch:

Michael: "What should we watch?"
Me: "I don't know, just not a Romanian movie again. I am a little tired of them."
Michael (seriously joyful): "I've got a nice Russian one!"

We ended up watching "Last Night" which I liked a lot. But it doesn't top "Dogtooth" - my movie of the year so far and "Blue Valentine," which comes second. And of course, none of those top any given episode of "The Jersey Shore".

Filozofii

2011-02-23T14:03:00.004-05:00

Discutam intr-o seara, dupa o conferinta, cu doua doamne ale psihologiei sociale, amandoua cu un palmares profesional considerabil si doi copii. Si m-am plans eu ca nu am o filozofie parentala bine stabilita. Sau macar un pic stabilita. Mi se pare ca suntem inca in faza in care incercam sa supravietuim schimbatului de scutece si hranitului in tandem. Si doamnele psihologiei sociale au sarit ca arse - nu ai nevoie de o filozofie. Parenting is about looking at your kids grow. Copiii au personalitatea si identitatea lor, sunt niste bureti care invata lucruri din mers, iar noi trebuie doar sa ii ghidam putin si sa ne bucuram observandu-i. Ei devin ei insisi oricum. Oare cine vor deveni Helena si Franny?

Povestea nasterii

2011-02-09T15:13:00.002-05:00

Povestea nasterii lui Franny si Helena a inceput, de fapt, la 30 de saptamani de sarcina (cu 10 saptamani inainte de data preconizata). In seara unei zile agitate - mers la doctor, baby shower la servici, zambit, pupat, socializat - m-am intors acasa foarte obosita. Am adormit rapid, dar m-am trezit in mijloc de noapte cu contractii dese. L-am trezit pe Michael, am baut apa, am incercat sa adorm, am mai baut niste apa, l-am pus pe Michael sa imi puna mana pe burta, am mai baut niste apa. La un moment dat a devenit evident ca trebuie sa mergem la spital. Fara bagaj, fara scaune de masina, fara nimic. Doar cu inima cat un purice.

La spital am stat la inceput la triaj, unde veneau asistente si rezidenti, imi puneau intrebari, si imi contorizau contractiile si bataile inimii fetitelor. La inceput, dilatatie 0. Dupa cateva ore, dilatatie 1 ( La 10 se naste). Panica - ma muta in camera de nascut, pentru ca oficial cand incepi sa te dilati si sa ai contractii, esti in travaliu. Ma deplasez dintr-o camera intr-alta cu camasa de spital desfacuta la spate, fundul gol, dar nici nu-mi dau seama pentru ca sunt asa panicata incat nu mai stiu ce sa cred. Apare rezidenta care ma intreaba daca vreau cezariana sau naturala, sunt confuza, zic cezariana, semnez niste hartii. Peste cateva ore vine o doctorita neonatoloaga care imi enumera toate problemele care pot aparea la copiii nascuti prematuri: important e sa respire, dar le punem la aparate, le hranim printr-un tub, le punem sub un bec, etc. Michael era plecat sa cumpere de mancare. Singura, ascultand-o pe doctorita, am pierdut controlul, m-am ridicat si am vomitat un lichid alb-galbui - nu mai mancasem de seara dinainte. Dupa drama asta, lumea a uitat de mine. Mai spre seara m-au controlat din nou, eram tot la 1 dilatatie, asa ca m-au mutat intr-o alta aripa a spitalului. Era evident ca nu voi naste atunci.

Am mers acasa dupa 5 zile in spital, cu recomandarea sa stau in pat. Au ramas contractiile, uneori la 5-10 minute. Am stat in pat saptamani intregi, de fapt pe canapea, lucrand la disertatie, citind despre alaptat, si numarand contractii. Pe la 33 de saptamani m-am mai linistit, la 34 am iesit la prima plimbare in parc. Dintr-o data era primavara, totul era verde, iar eu ma simteam ireal. La 37 de saptamani a venit Cata, am ineput sa iesim in oras in fiecare seara, si mi-am prgramat ziua in care voi merge la spital sa imi induca travaliul. Se pare ca nu e bine ca gemenii sa stea in burta prea mult.

In ziua de 29 Aprilie ne-am trezit de dimineata, am finalizat bagajul, am facut niste poze, si am plecat spre spital, ascultand Lust for Life in masina. Ajunsi acolo am mai asteptat un secol pana s-a eliberat o camera. Dar m-am simtit ca un special guest star: deja ma cunosteau toti rezidentii, asistentele, si doctorii. Eram femeia care a venit sa nasca gemenii natural.

Acum o paranteza despre nascutul gemenilor. In majoritatea cazurilor gemenii sunt nascuti prin cezariana, datorita pozitiei in uter. Ideal este ca amandoi sa fie cu capul in jos si ca geamanul mai mare sa iasa primul. Deci multe conditii de indeplinit. Si chiar daca totul e perfect inainte, dupa iesirea primului bebelus, pot aparea probleme cu al doilea - intoarcere subita, stres cardiac - astfel ca nasti primul natural si al doilea prin cezariana. De aceea multe femei prefera nasca direct prin cezariana. Eu, cu o incredere venita de nu stiu unde, am decis sa nasc natural. Cu anestezie peridurala, bine-inteles, pentru cazul in care ar fi trebui cezariana pentru al doilea bebelus.

Inapoi la spital. Am ajuns, mi-au indus travaliul, mi-au facut peridurala. Anestezistul era englez, si a venit cu un carut plin de chestii, care mie imi amintea de un taco truck. Dupa peridurala au inceput mancarimile pe tot corpul. Si acidul la stomac. Apoi am adormit toti trei (Michael si Cata). M-am trezit de frig, tremuram din tot corpul. Am cerut vreo trei paturi. Michael a iesit sa le spuna la asistente ca "My wife is shaking" la care ele au ras si i-au zis ca normal, o sa nasca doi copii. Dar problema era un pic mai grava, aveam temperatura si inima fetelor a inceput sa bata foarte rapid. Au revenit asistenta si rezidenta, au declarat ca m-am dilatat complet, si ca as putea incepe sa imping. Eu impingeam de antrenament si ma uitam la monitor sa vad bataile inimii. Erau rapide si nu ma puteam concentra. Cand mi-am exprimat ingrijorarea, mi-au zis ca trebuie doar sa imping si totul va fi bine. Asta mi-a dat foarte multa forta, stiam ca trebuie sa imping rapid si eficient, ca sa iasa fetele cat mai repede. De aici incolo totul a fost perfect. Am impins cu o forta imensa si intre timp faceam glume. La un moment dat s-a decretat ca sunt pregatita pentru sala de operatii (in caz de cezariana, trebuie nascut gemenii acolo). Aici totusi a fost o imperfectiune - Cata nu a putut veni cu noi. Michael s-a imbracat intr-un halat imens si a venit cu mine. Acolo erau vreo 15 persoane cel putin: asistenta mea, doctorul meu, rezidenta, doua asistente pentru fiecare bebelus, doi studenti la medicina, anestezistul si asistentul lui, si inca cateva asistente de rezerva. Am inceput sa imping si mai serios, asa de serios incat una din asistente l-a intrebat pe Michael daca e sigur ca e prima data ca nasc. M-am simtit si mai puternica. A durat 25 minute pentru Helena. A iesit o imensitate de bebelus. Eu intrebam doar daca e bine si studentul la medicina imi facea semne ca da. Dar eu nu aveam incredere in el, pentru ca era inca student. Dar Helena era bine. Apoi e ecografie scurta pentru Franny, care era tot cu capul in jos. I-au spart apa, am impins de 4 ori, si a iesit. Micuta si cu un strigat care a perforat incaperea. Apoi le-au pus pe amandoua la pieptul meu, Helena plangea, Franny incerca constiincios sa suga. Am revenit cu ele in brate in camera unde era Cata, care, cu lacrimi in ochi, a tinut-o pe Helena in brate.

Dupa aceea a inceput greul, dar despre asta nu vreau sa vorbesc. Noaptea aceea a fost magica, perfecta, chiar daca obiectiv nu totul a fost perfect. M-am simtit mai puternica ca niciodata.

Usurare

2011-01-25T14:28:00.002-05:00

In fiecare zi merg si vin pe jos de la servici, daca nu tot drumul, macar partial. 4 kilometri incolo, 4 inapoi. Si in fiecare zi am un zambet pe buze, cand vin de la servici pentru ca ma gandesc ca o sa le vad pe Helena si Franny, iar cand merg la servici pentru ca ma gandesc ca o sa imi vad colegii. Despre Helena si Franny am mai zis, asa ca acum zic despre colegi. Manuel e probabil primul pe care l-am cunoscut, dar pe atunci mi se parea foarte serios. Acum tot ce zice ma face sa rad, si mai ales amintirea pozei pe care a trimis-o din greseala unei colege ca sa fie pusa pe saitul universitatii: era el in timpul facultatii, la Berlin, cu bratele desfacute in aer, in fata unui magazin care se chema Manuel. Apoi am cunoscut-o pe A., care pare durosana, dar de fapt nu e. Cu ea mananc la pranz in fiecare miercuri, o saptamana vorbim in franceza, cealalta in engleza, si tot asa. Apoi e P., colega mea de birou si ea post doctoranta, frumoasa si desteapta, si sincera cum as vrea si eu sa fiu. Cu ea facem planuri de mers la Geneva in februarie si in Japonia la vara. Si bem cafea, ceai, mancam ciocolata. Mai e D., careia ii place sa stea la noi acasa cu orele si sa se joace cu fetitele. Ma surprinde de multe ori cu gandurile si observatiile ei bine inchegate. Si G., singurul de care nu ma simt aproape, dar pe care il simt ca pe un om onest, genul de om care alege intotdeauna calea mai grea pentru ca e cea mai cinstita.

Si gandindu-ma eu la ei, colegii mei, mi-am dat seama cat de usurata ma simt sa fiu aici, sa nu mai fiu in America. Relatiile acolo aveau atatea reguli pe care incercam sa le invat. Si regula principala era sa TE FERESTI CA DE DRACU DE A FI ANORMAL, de a fi clasat drept weird, disfunctional, sau ... diferit. Si culmea, toti eram asa, weird, disfunctional, and different. Dar in loc sa acceptam asta si sa ne imprietenim cu adevarat, stateam frumos la distanta si pretindeam ca suntem normali.

Dear America, every day I miss you less and less.

Haine, timp, si fete

2011-01-21T03:16:00.002-05:00

Intotdeauna mi-a fost ciuda pe oamenii ordonati, care stiu unde le este fiecare obiect, care isi respecta obiectele, iar hainele ii tin ani de zile. Hainele mele nu mai inseamna nimic, le port o data si par imbatranite. O fi de vina si faptul ca am acces la ele, ca pot sa imi cumpar ceva in fiecare saptamana daca vreau, deci nu mai simt ca sunt ceva special.

Uneori in drum spre servici intru intr-un magazin, incerc niste haine, si imi dau seama ca nu prea au mare rost. Toate par la fel, o ieftina productie de masa care imi sta prost. Sau poate doar ma amagesc, ca sa nu dau vina pe mine ca nu am slabit inca dupa sarcina.

***

Uneori ma surprinde cum unii oameni dupa 30 sau 40 de ani de viata inca nu stiu sa aprecieze corect timpul si cat dureaza sa faca ceva. Asta inainte de a face. Si de fiecare data sunt suprinsi - a tinut mult mai mult decat credeam! Mi-a luat mult mai mult timp decat planificasem! Pai daca iti spui asta de fiecare data, nu inveti, in timp, sa iti corectezi estimarile?

***

Azi sunt singura cu fetele, Michael merge sa isi depuna CV-ul la niste scoli. Am emotii. Sunt asa diferite de acum cateva luni cand stateam eu ce ele acasa! Acum mananca cu lingurita de trei ori pe zi, stau in fund, se taresc prin camera, etc. Sper sa nu uit elemente importante, cum ar fi sa le dau de mancare.

A toute!

Invincible

2011-01-18T04:47:00.002-05:00

Cand in acelasi an nasti (natural) gemene, iti termini doctoratul, si te muti pe alt continent cu doi bebelusi hraniti cu lapte matern pompat de 7 ori pe zi, incepi sa crezi ca poti face orice, ca nimic nu iti mai sta in cale. Si totusi e un sentiment periculos, de care ar fi bine sa scap la un moment dat.

Acum nu mai mi-e dor de Romania, dar nici de America, nici macar de casa in care am locuit 4 ani. Nu stiu unde vom locui peste cativa ani, asa ca pentru moment ma bucur de cele o suta de fetze ale lacului Neuchatel. Nu indraznesc sa imi fac niciun plan, nu ma mai atasez de niciun loc. Ca sa fiu hyper-cheesy, tara mea e familia mea, centrul universului e undeva intre Franny si Helena pe patura galbena care serveste drept playmat. E bine? E rau? E normal? E pentru totdeauna?

Am recitit din blog postari de acum cativa ani si mi-am dat seama ca mi-a trecut frematarea. Viata mea a devenit brusc serioasa in Martie 2009 cand am fost trezita la realitatea cruda a naturii umane. De atunci probabil am refuzat sa ma mai amagesc pe mine insami. Sau poate ma amagesc inzecit acum, you never know.

Dar parca mi-e dor de niste sentimentalisme. Asa ca revenim.

Yes Way!

2010-06-24T09:19:00.004-04:00

There are many exhilarating and terrifying things about having twins, and at the top of the list is the moment when you find out you're having them. I've been enjoying reading and hearing about this moment from parents of twins and wanted to share our moment too. It was October 1st, 2009 and I was 8 weeks pregnant when I had my first doctor's appointment. Michael came with me, because he didn't want to miss seeing the heartbeat. I was feeling pregnant-sick, just got over a cold/stomach flu, and I was very excited to see my favorite doctor again. The appointment was at 8:30 in the morning, the first one of the day, so we had to wait a while until the ultrasound machine got turned on. In the meantime, Dr. Horton told us how he takes violin lessons from a Romanian woman. The machine finally got turned on, and he started looking. And looking. It seemed like forever, so I thought something was wrong with the heartbeat. After what seemed like an eternity he asked: "So you said you got pregnant without any fertility treatments?" I answered no and immediately thought something was really wrong. Why would he ask that? In a few seconds I figured it out.. just as he said "Well, congratulations, you're having twins!"

"No way! No way!"

well, here they are now, almost two months old, Franny and Helena:

Primavara

2010-03-24T12:00:00.003-04:00

As vrea o primavara frumoasa, cu plimbari lungi care incep cand inca e soare si cald, si se termina pe inserate, cand ti-e frig si iti dai seama ca ai uitat ca e totusi martie cand te-ai imbracat dimineata. Iar cand ajungi acasa, iti miroase parul a aer si esti obosit si infometat, si adormi imediat dupa ce te pui in pat. O primavara cu o melodie simbol, pe care o tot asculti la radio sau pe ipod. O primavara in care iti doresti sa iti cumperi haine noi, in care redescoperi castravetii si ridichile, si te simti din ce in ce mai usor.

In schimb, e o primavara in care stau in pat si ma simt din ce in ce mai grea, din motive absolut intemeiate. O primavara in care singura distractie sunt miscarile gigantice din burta, in care vizitele nocturne la spital devin o obisnuinta, si in care mirosul dominant e cel al gelului de la ecograf care deja mi s-a impregnat in nas si haine. Si totusi, e cea mai frumoasa primavara, pentru ca e primvara in care o sa le cunoastem pe fetitele noastre, Helena si Frances.

The Right to Happiness

2009-10-16T14:55:00.003-04:00

Today I had lunch with a famous social psychologist, David Myers. He is known mostly for writing some of the best Introductory and Social Psychology textbooks out there. As most great people I've met in my field, he's humble, quiet, and listens more than he talks. Afterwards I read more about him and found out about his work on bridging scientific psychology to faith, something with which I've been struggling for a while. Here's an interview with him about what makes people happy and why marriage should be for everyone.

Depeche Mode

2009-09-04T09:24:00.002-04:00

I don't usually like big concerts, but this one was perfect. Dave was sexier than ever and we danced so much that I was sore.

Tonight!

2009-09-01T10:35:00.001-04:00

Un unfair choice

2009-08-31T20:13:00.003-04:00

For a while now, I have been struggling to make two things work - my religious beliefs and my social equality beliefs.

When we got married last year, I surprised myself and Michael with my strong desire to get married in the Eastern Orthodox Church. We had an American, non-religious ceremony, but I felt that a true marriage ceremony for me could not exist outside the church. Despite all complications, and thanks to wonderful people like padre Radomir, Ioana & Bogdan, and thanks to Michael's willingness to stand for many hours in a hot little church, confess his sins and endure other strange traditions for an American Protestant, we got married on July 20th, 2008. Seeing that the religious ceremony was so important to me, I tried to follow up with my religious practice and beliefs, by going to church and reading books. After my miscarriage, I talked to a priest here, in an attempt to understand things that I still don't understand. I went to church, confession, and even got communion before and during Easter. And still, through all this time, something keeps bothering me: a gay person, regardless of the strength of their faith, would never be able to do all this, unless they renounced their hope for a loving relationship. I truly believe that sexual orientation is not a choice. Why would anybody choose to take such a hard road, paved with internal struggles and hatred from others? It's not a lifestyle, it's wired in us. So unless you're part of some progressive Christian faiths, you're theoretically faced with a choice: if you want to be in a relationship, you can't participate in the life of the church; and if you want to be part of the church, you can't be part of an intimate relationship with the person you love. It's a choice that heterosexuals don't have to make.

I still don't know how to make sense of all this. I don't know what's right or wrong. All I know is that my heart goes to all those men and women who are torn between their faith and their love life. It must be tough.

How it feels

2009-08-21T12:59:00.002-04:00

You know how it feels? It feels like somebody took your soul, your being with all its dreams and plans, and just crumpled it in their hands, as hard as they could. Crumple, crumple, crumple. And then you spend months trying to smooth it over again. You flatten it over and over again, hoping it will one day be as smooth as it was before.

Parca nimic nu mai e la fel

2009-08-15T17:32:00.002-04:00

Made by Florin, Iunie 2007.

Little and Bog Things

2009-08-12T21:59:00.003-04:00

Michael is sick and has a sexy voice.

I am going on the job market! I am going wild and applying everywhere I think there's a 5% chance we would live. That includes Hong Kong.

I've had bad luck with movies at the theater (500 Days of Summer, Away We Go), but good luck with DVDs at home (Something Like Happiness, Head-On, and even Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

School is starting on MONDAY! School should always start on September 15.

I am reading Anna Karenina in English. I wish I had it in Romanian.

I need a new musical obsession. I've been trying Andrew Bird, but he gets too whiny after a while, Regina Spektor, but she gets too peppy. Next try: Iggy Pop's French album inspired by a Michel Houellebecq book. If you have other suggestions, let me know.

A month ago I was sleeping under a mosquito net in a cottage by the Caribbean shore. In the morning I would make breakfast with fresh mangos and bananas that Michael picked from the trees around the cottage. After breakfast we'd lie by the pool or on a deserted beach and at dinner we'd eat fresh fish that was caught that same day. It still seems unreal.

I am tired of people saying "sorry" all the time, when it's not needed. Like walking by you in the sales section at Anthropology, or opening the restroom door from inside when you're trying to get in, or when they walk by you on the escalator.

All the shades of grey

2009-08-06T23:11:00.003-04:00

in a heartbreaking look at abortions in this month's Esquire. Things are not black and white, they never are. Even antiabortionists sometimes need an abortion, when their baby has a catastrophic condition, like no liver or no brain, when delivering such a baby is a huge risk to the woman's life. This story is written from the perspective of a doctor who is overwhelmed by all the sorrow he sees every day.

If you start reading this article, read it through the end.

Ariana

2009-08-02T16:48:00.007-04:00

(poza facuta de Cata)

Cel mai frumos lucru, singurul care imi da putere, e dragostea dintre oameni, atunci cand intelegem si plangem pentru altcineva si stim ca altcineva ne intelege si plange pentru noi. Cand vorbesc cu Cata si simt ca e suta la suta langa mine si ar face orice sa fiu bine. Cand am vorbit in mai cu Ariana la telefon de la Pontoane si mi-a spus ca ii pare asa de rau ca am pierdut sarcina si am stiut ca a simtit asa de multe pentru mine si i-am fost asa recunoscatoare. Apoi mai e bucuria mea pentru Ariana weekendul asta pentru ca s-a maritat cu Sorin, si stiu ca o sa fie fericiti impreuna.

Zilele astea m-am gandit mult la Ariana, efectiv cea mai frumoasa fata pe care o cunosc, inconjurata de lucruri frumoase. Mi-am amintit cum hainele ei miros intotdeauna minunat si toate sunt transformate de ea miraculos in haine deosebite. Mi-am amintit cand eram la Valiug cu ea si striga ca din gura de sarpe, si la Sighisoara in aceeasi vara cand vibra ca o baterie in gara. Ariana simte tot, cu fiecare fibra, si mi-e asa de dor de ea ca nu pot spune. Ma bucur ca Michael o cunoaste si intelege de ce e asa de aproape de mine, desi ne vedem din ani in pasti.

Ma linistesc cand ma gandesc ca pot merge la Arad oricand, si chiar daca nu o sa mai fie niciodata la fel ca in verile alea toride cand stateam cu Ariana la Migdal sau Cina, totusi o sa fie de fiecare data bine. Nu se poate altfel.

So I don't forget. How could I forget?

2009-04-23T15:42:00.004-04:00

Before it happened to me, I never knew how this felt when it happened to others.

***

How is it possible to love and miss somebody I've never met and I'll never meet?

***

That Thursday was horrible, it seemed to never end. Why would that technician lady print a picture of it, if she knew the heart wasn't beating? And then the doctor came in and said something like "Nice to meet you. It's not a very good day, is it?" and we had no idea what he meant. And then when he actually told us, all I remember is Michael gripping my arm very very tightly.

***

There's a famous Camus quote that says something like "In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer." That Friday I realized that my summer is my love with Michael.

***

It was almost exactly two months. Even after everything happened at the end, I wouldn't not have those two months. I've never been so happy. And I don't want to forget a thing.

***

"So where does it go now?"
"It goes back into the heart of God."

***

I didn't go through the official stages of grieving. Lingering is just the desperation that I will NEVER get to meet this person and that this person will never experience anything in this world, like smelling fresh grass, taking off in a plane, my hugs, apple pie, crying, being exhausted, knowing Michael and Cata and Oli and my mum and everybody else.

***

Call me what you want, but I think that was a soul, a person.

***

October 9Th, 2009

---

Point by Point

2009-04-21T18:33:00.003-04:00

- I learned how to ride a bike. I still can't be trusted on a street with cars, but the most important thing is that I can ride it. For years, I've been day and night dreaming about how it would feel to do it.
- For the first time in my life I understood the joy of Easter.
- I am coming home to Arad soon, after a few days in Amsterdam, May 6-11.
- I don't like storms and tornadoes.
- March was a sad month and I went through one of the hardest experiences of my life. But somehow I am so much better than I expected to be. Maybe one day I will write about it.
- With one more year to go, I am so close to getting my PhD that it's scary. Do I know how to be anything else than a grad student? Also, it's very exciting to think that a year and a half from now I may be living in a totally different place. I hope it's Europe or NY.

Vancouver 2008

2009-03-12T22:21:00.002-04:00

Anul trecut in martie am fost la Cata in Vancouver si m-am gandit sa notez pe zile ce am facut:

Luni, 3 martie: am zburat la Seattle si am pierdut autobuzul de Vancouver. Am ajuns seara tarziu, ne-am intalnit langa serviciul lui Cata si eu ma minunam ca lumea merge pe jos. Am luat vaporetul si ne-am dus acasa unde am vorbit si am dormit.

Marti, 4 martie: dimineata ne-am dus pe la Cata la serviciu sa luam ceva hartie pentru ambasada SUA. Apoi am umblat vreo 8km pe jos in jurul parcului Stanley (am facut seawallu). Apoi am fost prin Coal Harbour si am mancat mancare indiana vis-a-vis de serviciul lu Cata. Seara cred ca ne-am dus la CapFantana si am baut bere cu Mascota.

Miercuri, 5 martie: ne-am dus in Kitsilano, un cartier calumea. Ne-am plimbat, ne-am uitat la haine si posete, si apoi am mancat la Naam, un restaurant vegetarian foarte bun. Foarte bun. Apoi ne-am intalnit cu Oana pe plaja, si ea ne-a zis de stilista invitata la Mihaela Radulescu care facea critica la posete. Apoi ne-am dus toate trei la Starbucks, unde a fost fain. Apoi cred ca ne-am dus acasa.

Joi, 6 martie: ZIUA LU CATA! Dimineata ne-am trezit devreme si Cata s-a dus la ambasada SUA sa ia viza. Eu am asteptat-o la Starbucks. Cata a primit viza ("Am reusit! Am reusit!" cum am auzit pe un domn urland la telefon in fata ambasadei SUA din Bucuresti). Am ras ore intregi de povestiri cu romanii de la ambasada ("we visit friends in cicago"). Apoi Cata s-a dus la lucru si eu m-am plimbat, am mancat all you can eat suhi pana mi s-a facut rau, si apoi m-am dus sa iau flori pentru sarbatorita. Ne-am inalnit la pranz, si am stat pe o bancuta unde am mancat/fumat. Apoi Cata s-a reintors la lucru, si eu m-am dus prin magazine, am stat in fata muzeului de arta si m-am uitat la oameni, pana mi-a amortit curul. Seara m-am intalnit cu Cata, sefa, si altii la un restaurant, sa sarbatorim sarbatorita. Am mancat, am baut, si ne-am facut poza cu chelnerul Sex in the City. Cata saraca o primit cadouri dubioase pe care trebuia sa le arate la toti, dupa modelul nord-american. Apoi ne-am dus acasa pe vaporas.

Vineri, 7 martie: zi scurta. Cata a mers la serviciu doar dimineata, dupa care sefa a declarat zi de CapFantana, asa ca am petrecut nenumarate ore acolo, pana nu am mai putut si am plecat. Ne-am intalnit cu Oana la cafea, dupa care am revenit la berici la CapFantana unde am discutat cu un baiat despre cercetarea in teologie (io il tot intrebam de ce nu cerceteaza daca chiar exista D-zeu si el o zis ca nici nu si-or pus problema).

Sambata, 8 martie: Ne-am dus pe o insula/peninsula cu multi turisti, unde era ceva expozitie dubioasa la care era sefa. Dupa care ne-am plimbat pe malul apei, am luat un tramvai, si am ajuns intr-un cartier cu restaurante italienesti. Am mancat mancare italiana f buna (si mie nici nu-mi place italiana, dar aia a fost buna). Apoi am mancat inghetata la o cofetarie cu statui albe cu penisi.

Duminica, 9 martie: dis de dimineata ne-am dus la mall, Cata mi-a luat o poseta de ziua mea pe care inca o port, si apoi ne-am dus sa luam praji pentru pranz la Oana. S-a schimbat si ora. Am ajuns la Oana o ora mai derveme, si am stat pana seara. Am mancat mancare f buna romaneasca, cu Duminica in Familie in fundal. Seara ne-am dus la bere pe strada principala (incepe cu B. sau e Robson?)

Luni, 10 martie: am plecat inapoi la Atlanta. In Seattle m-am intalnit cu parintii lui Michael, si Bob (tatal vitreg) s-o inecat si o proiectat o cafea decofeinizata pe mine, direct din gat.

Mi-e dor de excursia asta in fiecare zi, pentru ca am fost cu Cata.

Travel Plans

2009-03-12T22:16:00.003-04:00

After coming from Belize, it seems that almost every month is taken:
April - NYC for fun with Oli and Jimmie
May - Amsterdam for fun with Cata, Bogdan, & Philippe and then Romania for general fun
June - Seattle/Tacoma for our anniversary and a wedding (maybe a two day trip to Vancouver)
July - no plans yet
August - trip with Oli to water + beach
September - it should have been Frances & Greg's lovely wedding.
October - ... popping.not,

Din Oslo in Atlanta prin Guatemala

2009-03-02T20:36:00.004-05:00

Azi a inceput ziua foarte frumos. De fapt de ieri, cand a nins ca in povesti si am stat acasa si ne-am uitat pe geam. Iar azi dimineata am visat ca m-am oprit cu Michael o dupa-masa in Oslo, eram in drum spre Lituania (! oare veneam de la polul nord?) si am mers la un hotel, apoi la un bar unde am mancat si am baut bere, si in drum inapoi spre statia de tren ne-am uitat la afise cu trupe care aveau concert in Oslo. Si era totul foarte frumos si animat, desi foarte intunecat. M-am trezit gandindu-ma ca sigur a fost adevarat si eu am fost cateva ore in Oslo. Dupa care, in viata reala, Michael a revenit fericit in pat ca s-au inchis scolile asa ca putea sta acasa. Incercand sa re-adorm, mi-am dat seama ca ar trebui sa mai exersez tabla inmultirii, mai ales ca alaltaieri am zis ca 7 x 7 = 42 (voiam sa ii demonstrez lu Michael ca postul ortodox nu incepuse, deci nu stiu nici tabla inmultirii nici ortodoxie). Am repetat toata tabla inmultirii o data, si inmultirea cu 8 de doua ori, ca e cea mai grea. M-am linistit si am adormit cu pisica la picioare.

Dupa-masa am mers la bazin si am inotat mult, Salvamarii ascultau muzica clasica, ceea ce impreuna cu lumina puternica de afara care se reflecta in apa din bazin, a facut ca totul sa fie frumos. Apoi am stricat totul cand am mancat prea mult dulce si m-am deprimat, dupa care am aflat ca un manuscris mi-a fost respins, si ca un baiat din trecut are un bebelus. Si acuma totul e trist si intunecat, si eu stau singura acasa si ma enerveaza tot ce e la televizor, si facebook, si tot. Vreau inapoi la Oslo.

(peste 5 minute) A venit Michael care mi-a adus sase papusi minuscule din Guatemala, Trouble Dolls, la care le spui necazurile seara, apoi le pui sub perna, si ele rezolva tot peste noapte. Am dreptul doar la sase necazuri pe zi, un necaz per papusa. Melt my heart :)

Che and the rest

2009-02-05T13:18:00.002-05:00

This is part of a February Esquire article by Stephen Marche. It is for my friend IUnda, with whom I've often talked about people who wear communist symbols, although they know nothing about it.

.. it's unlikely that all the pseudo-hipsters who buy their Che t-shirts at Urban Outfitters will stop wearing them. No. These t-shirts send a message which effectively boils down to this: I have vague left-wing sympathies but don't read history. I am educated enough to want nonconformity but not intelligent enough to avoid conformity. I believe in supporting the wretched of the earh but happlily purchase products from multinational corporations.

It's all part of a history of reducing the genuine struggles of peoples around the world for social justice to pretty baubles, from Jane Fonda's Radio Hanoi broadcasts to Madonna mugging in guerilla gear to TV personality Tim Vincent wearing a hammer-and-sickle shirt on "Access Hollywood." In 2007, Cameron DIaz carried a Maoist messenger bag while sightseeing in Peru and was forced to apologize -- 70,000 Peruvians were murdered by the Maoist Shining path in the '80s and '90s. At least with Che chic, the idiocy is dreamy and romantic and you can pretend that wearing his face is all about being your, riding motorcycles, and having South American-level sex; Mao was responsible for the death of 60 million people -- he makes Hitler look like an amateur.

Valori si Actiune

2009-01-26T09:39:00.004-05:00

Un pic intarziat, am citit un articol in care Alin Gavreliuc (care mi-a fost prof la Timisoara) analizeaza un studiu despre valorile romanilor. Studiul adreseaza o problema care ma tot framanta de ceva timp: cum de in Romania, desi oamenii sunt foarte religiosi, asta nu se reflecta la nivel social, asa cum vad ca se intampla aici. De exemplu, la biserica ortodoxa la care mai mergem noi in Atlanta, la fiecare sarbatoare majora se organizeaza o masa pentru oamenii fara casa. Voluntariatul si implicarea in comunitate sunt incurajate tot timpul, in predici si alte anunturi pe websitul lor, ca fiind o prelungire cat se poate de naturala a valorilor crestine. Comparativ, stiu foarte putini oameni acasa care sa fi facut vreodata voluntariat. Studiul de care vorbeam confirma intuitia mea: se pare ca romanii sunt pe locul intai in Europa cand vine vorba de cat de importanta e religia in viata lor, dar pe ultimul loc cand vine vorba de voluntariat. Iata ce zice dr. Gavreliuc:

Alin Gavreliuc, psihosociolog şi conferenţiar-doctor la Universitatea de Vest din Timişoara, explică religiozitatea românilor: „Suntem cel mai dus la biserică popor din Europa, după Polonia, dar asta doar la nivelul ritualurilor, religiozitatea nu se converteşte în practici sociale, în implicarea în acţiuni în interesul celorlalţi, dincolo de interesul personal, de asta suntem la coada tuturor clasamentelor la capitolul voluntariat. Religiozitatea românilor înseamnă mai degrabă că îşi încredinţează viaţa altcuiva. Îşi spun «jocurile sunt făcute, destinul meu este decis dincolo de mine, mai bine stau în colţul meu şi o scot eu la capăt».

Este un autism social. Asta vine dintr-o istorie a dependenţei politice şi sociale, din relaţia dezechilibrată cu instituţiile statului care profitau de ei şi atunci oamenii şi-au spus: «O fi ceva dincolo de noi, dacă nu mă pot realiza aici şi acum, îmi pun speranţa în Dumnezeu». E un sindrom sociologic majoritar care descrie o strategie de subzistenţă, de supravieţuire”.

Asta mi-a adus aminte de un gand recurent pe care il am cand ma gandesc comparativ la cercetare pe rasism aici si acolo. Ceea ce cred ca lipseste foarte mult in Romania este sentimentul de eficienta (self-efficacy) - sentimentul ca daca incerc sa fac ceva, am sanse sa reusesc sa schimb situatia - si mai ales sentimentul de eficienta colectiva - daca toti ne punem capul sa facem ceva, o sa reusim sa schimbam mentalitatea. Mi-e uneori ciuda pe cat de mult au americanii acest sentiment, comparativ cu noi. Acasa, chiar daca stim ca nu e ok sa crezi ca minoritatile are trebui spanzuate/aruncate din turnul bisericii (!!!) sau alte cruzimi asemanatoare, ne simtim legati de maini si de picioare. Nu putem face nimic sa schimbam asta. Si atunci tacem, ne retragem in grupul nostru de prieteni alesi, sau plecam departe.

Pentru prietenii mei cu care vreau sa dansez

2009-01-20T21:19:00.003-05:00

(Blind from Hercules & Love Affair featuring Antony Hegarty)

Din vina Lektorului

2009-01-14T11:01:00.006-05:00

Cand am vazut ca Lektorul si-a schimbat blogul si m-a pastrat la alesele-i linkuri, chiar si luand in calcul ca linkurile poate au fost copiate automat, mi-am dat seama ca totusi cineva mai crede in mine. Mai crede ca e posibil ca eu sa mai scriu aici, desi nu mi-a mai trecut prin cap demult. Si ca o profetie care se autoindeplineste, iata ca scriu. Noutati:
- Iarna asta au fost aici Cata, sora mea, si Oli, prietena mea. Am stat acasa, am fost la New Orleans, am cantat la karaoke de revelion (nu chiar in microfon, hihi)
- Cand a fost Cata aici, luasem fiecare un rol al nostru: ea era anti-tot-ce-e-american, eu eram anti-tot-ce-e-romanesc. Si uite ca acuma, ironic, mi-e dor de Arad.
- O alta sursa de tristele e ca nu mai predau - m-a cumparat o profa sa fac cercetare. Predatul a ajuns sa imi placa, aveam si eu un mini-fan-club care imi sorbea cuvintele. Acuma stau singura in laborator.
- Excursii, conferinte in 2009: Tampa, New Orleans, Belize, NY, Arad via Amsterdam. Viata e bine sa fie construita din mici excursii.
- Mi-am dat seama ca anul 2008 a fost minunat, cu exceptia unor zile negre din vara, cand am venit din Romania si credeam ca o sa ma sfarsesc cat se poate de curand. Din nou, mi-am reconfirmat ca nu sunt omul schimbarilor. Sau poate sunt, dar am nevoie de timp sa ma obisnuiesc, mai ales cand schimbarea e teoretic buna ("m-am casatorit"), dar eu ii gasesc nod in papura. Poate totul e mult mai existential de atat, dar acuma am nevoie sa cred ca e simplu: mi-e greu cu schimbarile.
- Michael devine din ce in ce mai frumos. Asta au observat si altii. Eu doar consemnez.
- SI acum va las cu surorile in ultima lor varianta 2008, interpretand "Vaduvele din Valparaiso cu pisica"

Noi romanii comentam

2008-11-16T18:30:00.002-05:00

Eu cand vad comentarii de genul asta (aici - comentariul lui "Un Thelespectator") imi promit ca n-o sa ma intorc niciodata in Romania. Cu doar o bruma de cunostine, dar cu o incredere in sine imensa, la adapostul anonimitatii internetului, romanii isi dau cu parerea in draci. Cel mai mult ma enerveaza cand adauga la sfarsit "si nu mi-o lua in nume de rau..." Asta pentru ca totul e in numele adevarului, nu al unei nevoi personale de a imprastia rahat. Daca persoana din articol e femeie, ar fi bine sa nu aiba cateva kilograme in plus peste standardele romanesti, sau sa aiba cosuri, pentru ca asta apare sigur in primele zece comentarii, adesea chiar de la femei comentatoare, care evident vor doar binele persoanei. Vorba cuiva "pai ionukah mama, te-o ispitit necuvinciosul sa citesti comentariile?"

Reteaua luminoasa

2008-10-31T20:00:00.003-04:00

Vorbeam cu Cata azi si i-am zis, asa cum i-am zis si lui Hugh in urma cu cateva saptamani, ca eu cred in iubire. Iubire de orice fel, iubirea care ne leaga unii de altii intr-o retea luminoasa care face viata suportabila. Uneori mai cred in muzica frumoasa care inalta (ultima a fost The National), in carti, mai ales romanele depre familii cu multe generatii (Marques, Isabel Allende, Amy Tan), in filme, deci in arta care ma face sa nu ma mai gandesc la mine, ci la o lume mare mare mare cu multe intelesuri. Mai cred in diversitate, ma emotionez pana la lacrimi cand vin acasa pe metrou si vad atatia oameni diferiti dar care au in comun faptul ca iubesc pe cineva. Din nou, reteaua luminoasa - o imagine pe care cred ca o am de la o discutie cu Oli, care o avea din ceva film cu extraterestii, ca sa vezi. In momentele astea, cand simt reteaua luminoasa in mine, ma gandesc ca sunt fie foarte foarte aproape, fie foarte foarte departe de a descoperi pe Dumnezeu.

"And this is how it is in heaven"

2008-10-30T11:07:00.002-04:00

My favorite movie of the year, "Rachel Getting Married," so modern and beautiful and multicultural and full of love.

Like/Not Like

2008-10-08T10:34:00.004-04:00

Leapsa de la Raluca.

I like:
- chocolate in any form
- coffee in any form
- having friends and family visit us for more than three days (less is good too, but I am greedy)
- my laptop (I am ashamed of this)
- waking up early (although I rarely do it)
- when my mind slows down a little
- reading blogs
- Isabel Allende, Anne Tyler, & Banana Yoshimoto
- when Michael makes fun of me
- when Michael is made fun of and he can't react quickly so he just makes some confused sounds
- rainy October
- New York City
- making plans
- the smell of Orthodox Churches
- being with my sister and Oli - safest feeling I know
- red wine
- when Stella talks
- Vivi's smiles
- making scenarios about meeting bloggers I like (one of those came true last summer when I met Raluca!)
- Michael's family
- when Michael is around his friends
- taking naps when we go on trips
- Lithuania
- expensive pillows
- products from Origins

I don't like:
- headaches and other pains
- buttons
- having coins or bills on my nightstand or the table where I eat. Same goes with tools of any kind: hammers, screwdrivers, etc.
- being on the computer for too long
- working for too long - especially if I have to do many little things.
- people who talk about how much they work work work and how much they like to work work work
- people on the metro who listen to music on their cell phone without headphones
- when I brag
- American football
- Georgia mountains
- yellow gold
- irony for the sake of irony
- action movies

Personal, sunt bine

2008-09-24T09:58:00.005-04:00

1. Dupa doua saptamani de abstinenta, ieri am baut doua beri minunate. A fost perfect :)
2. Ce imi place: sa aud pasii lu Stella pe podea cand vine spre mine din dormitor in camera unde lucrez, si pentru ca e liniste in casa, aud fiecare labuta cum calca hotarat pe podea. Imi imaginez ca e o invatatoare un pic iritata, care merge pe holuri cu paltonul pe umeri, fara sa isi bage mainile in maneci.
3. Ce imi place: ca incep sa imi dau seama de limitele ratiunii mele si asta e bine, pentru ca de cativa ani aveam falsa impresie ca pot explica tot, si asta m-a lasat goala si trista, strivind cu nesat corola de minuni a lumii.
4. Ce imi place: cand scrie Cata la blog.
5. Ce imi place: toamna asta serioasa.

Alons-y!

Om mare

2008-08-15T13:49:00.003-04:00

Inainte ma gandeam ca daca trece o luna fara sa imi vina sa scriu, inseamna ca pot sa inchid blogul. A trecut Iulie fara nici un post, si uite ca e mijloc de August (da CHIAR mijloc! E Sf. Maria - ma intreb de ce nimeni nu ma suna sa ma felicite, hihi). Si imi vine sa scriu. Nu vreau sa para ca nunta noastra a fost un happy end, mai ales partea cu end nu-mi place. Si cum vorbeam si cu sora mea, relatia stabila si frumoasa (si chiar casnicia) nu sunt garantii la o viata fericita. Cel putin pana acuma. Nu inseamna ca nu ma mai supar, ca nu mai plang, ca nu mai am probleme existentiale. Ba chiar am mai multe intrebari si intristeli. Acum mi-e si mai frica decat inainte ca ceva teribil o sa se intample, cu mine sau cu Michael, si nu o sa mai putem fi impreuna. Pornind de la asta mi-am dat seama ieri ca eu nu stiu cum sa fiu om mare. Nu stiu cum sa ma gandesc la viitor - cu optimism, cu teama, sau sa nu ma gandesc deloc? Nimeni nu m-a invatat asta si ma trezesc acuma om mare si nepriceput.

Ieri m-am uitat la agenda mea din primul semestru in America (toamna 2003), si mi-am adus aminte foarte foarte bine de lunile alea. Nu zic ca eram neaparat fericita, ci doar mult mai calma. De atunci au trecut cinci ani, si parca in timpul asta am achizitionat niste ochelari care ma fac sa vad tot ce e trist in jurul meu. Chiar si cand vad ceva frumos, ma ineaca tristetea ca se va termina. Poate luciditatea asta inseamna sa fii om mare, si poate ca intr-o zi o sa imi para bine ca sunt asa lucida. Dar acuma doar ma copleseste.

In rest, as dori sa fac public faptul ca mi-e dor sa ma duc la Cori.

We're Married Now!

2008-06-26T00:09:00.006-04:00

Michael and I got married on Anderson Island, Washington State, on June 15, 2008. It was a beautiful day, which ended with a swim in the Puget Sound and pizza in Tacoma. I missed my mum and many of my friends. Otherwise, it was perfect. Just watch!

Also: here, here, and here (party in Romania).

Anu' Asta

2008-05-18T18:32:00.007-04:00

anu trecut

After Five Years

2008-05-02T14:05:00.003-04:00

Almost five years ago, in July 2003, I accepted to go on a one week sightseeing trip with Michael though Transylvania - Bran, Sighisoara, Cluj. Anybody who knew me then would have noticed how atypical this was of me. I could hardly be convinced to go downtown on any given day, unless you told me there were lots of free cigarettes there and I happened to be out of money and cigarettes.

Although we slept in a different place almost every night, we got into a comfortable routine. We would come back to our room after going out and watch TV until we fell asleep. At the time, Michael was very impressed with Romanian cable TV, especially the Romanian music channels and the re-runs of Beverly Hills 90201. And although I can hardly recall that Zach and Andrea were in a relationship, I can vividly recall the sweetness of those summer nights together with Michael. He was calm and warm, and I wished I could feel his tender affection for longer than one week. My mind was clear around him, but my soul felt light as a feather.

Now my mind is much foggier and my soul gets really heavy sometimes, but I still feel the same warmth when I am around Michael. Which is why I am happy that we're going to get married this summer, June 15th, on an island near his hometown of Tacoma. And although I wake up in the middle of the night agonizing over the price of a bridal bouquet, I still feel this is one of the best things I will ever do. He's a good man.

Mindful together

2008-04-22T00:04:00.000-04:00

Most of the time I am just me. Alone, with my own emotions, I breath in and out, I make plans, I obsess, I analyze, I fear, or get teary. I do my laps in the pool and look at the water bubbles that I create when I touch the water. I sit on the train and listen to music. I smell the spring and it fills my lungs. Most of the time, it's just me and all these experiences. But there are times when I experience the same emotion with another person, right at the same time, like we are one person. We both start laughing at the same time when we realize something, or we both feel tremendous pity for another person, or we both feel comfortable in the afternoon sun. Both, at the same time, the same emotion, and we know it. These are the times that I crave for. These are the times that I feel that we are more than the sum of our cells, that there is something that connects us above and beyond... and these are the times when I am, at the same time, the most and least afraid of dying.

Tagged - what I see in the morning

2008-04-17T10:29:00.005-04:00

I was tagged by c. - what do I see in the morning when I wake up?

This is what I see when I open my eyes in the morning:

(Yes, the kitty is real and she's always there when I wake up!)

And this is what is see if I get closer to the window:

I'm tagging Raluca (with an appology for not responding to her tag earlier - my iTunes was messed up and I didn't have the patience to fix it), The Arrow, and Stingoo (because they both take beautiful pictures).

Isn't spring beautiful?

The humps of the week

2008-04-03T11:19:00.003-04:00

Tuesdays are the new Thursdays.

We went out Tuesday night because it was Michael's birthday and I was surprised to see how many people were also out. It was a gorgeous night on the Six Feet Under deck overlooking the cemetery (there's another one in West Midtown now), with warm air, candles, and city lights in the background. And I realized how Tuesdays are the perfect days to go out in spring - once you're done with Tuesday, it's almost Friday. But Friday is too close to Sunday. Thus Tuesdays are the new Thursdays.

"Ain't Been Doctored (yet)*"

2008-03-19T13:48:00.004-04:00

I am ABD (All But Dissertation)! Which basically means that I passed my General Exam, which is the last requirement for a PhD before a dissertation. I studied a lot and I had a very good experience taking this exam --- both the 8-hour written part and the oral part, which I took today. I received lots of praises, including one from my adviser which melted my heart and confused me at the same time. She told me I have a talent for this field and that it would be a loss if I didn't go in the academia. So I guess I have a mind to make up...

I am at the same time overwhelmed and excited by all the professional opportunities I have. It's probably the first time I am realizing that my education has, above all, the power of giving me freedom of choice in my future career. It feels good.

* copyright to my adviser's husband.

Javi

2008-02-26T13:09:00.003-05:00

Not only is Javier Bardem the second sexiest person alive, but he is also a hypochondriac. Via my sister I found this interview with JB by John Malkovich:

JM: [...] Now Javier. I want to ask you about something. You possess one of my favorite qualities, which is that you're a very accomplished hypochondriac. [Bardem laughs] Could you tell me briefly about the first time you felt you had a serious illness that you didn't have?

JB: Sure. I was 14 years old, lying on the sofa watching TV, and my head started to ache. I said, "I am going to die. I'd better call my friends and say good-bye." [laughs] I called two of them, and they said, "Well, go to the doctor." So I went to the doctor's office, and they looked at me and said, "What are you doing here?" I said, "I think I'm going to die." And they told me, "You're fine. Just relax." I told my friends what had happened, and from that moment on, they've been used to me saying that I have serious health problems. I suppose one day I won't say anything and I'll disappear. [both laugh]

JM: Wasn't there also a time when you thought you had throat cancer, so you went to Luciano Pavarotti's throat doctor?

JB: Yes. I had to go to Vienna, which cost me a lot of money I didn't have, and this doctor spoke to me in German, and I didn't understand a word. I was sweating and almost crying, because I thought he had the clue to my life and I wasn't understanding his words. So I made him write down everything he thought about my throat in English, and what he wrote, basically, was, "It's fine. That'll be $500." [both laugh]

I like people who are open about their hypochondria, because it helps me realize I am not the only crazy person I know.

Peaconut

2008-02-15T10:25:00.002-05:00

I am not a big fan of metaphors in explaining things that happen in real life. I actually think they don't explain much, they merely make things easier to understand, with the risk of not explaining them well.

However, I will indulge in a metaphor I heard at a talk about cultural differences in friendship. This is not my area of research, but I decided to go to this talk for more personal reasons - I want to understand what is wrong with me. After living here for almost five years, with very few exceptions, I didn't make any good friends.

A student from University of Michigan presented research that indirectly tested the metaphor of peach and coconut friendships. They say that North Americans are like peaches. Getting to know an American is easy and quick, just like pealing a peach. A peach is soft and easy to get inside, as is making friends with an American. However, when you get to the core of it, it becomes harder, almost impossible to get through. Germans, on the other hand, are like coconuts. They seem cold and hard on the outside, just like the shell of the coconut, but once you break this shell, you discover the moist and sweet inside of it. It may be hard to befriend a German at the beginning, but once you do it, you discover a true long-term friend.

One testable hypothesis based on this metaphor was that what Americans see as a friend, Germans see as an acquaintance. I dare to say that I feel a similar cultural difference in how friendships are formed and maintained in Romania vs. US. When I first came here, I was amazed at how easy it was to make friends. Peach. But later on, I was disappointed to discover that very few of my friendships here were as close as my friendships in Romania. Peach core. I guess I expected the outside of a peach and the inside of a coconut. Mutant.

Ambivalence: 362 vs. 3

2008-02-13T12:03:00.004-05:00

This weekend I went to the largest conference in my field, in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It's the second time I attend and present at this conference, and every time I attend, I come back more confused than ever.

Here's the source of my confusion. When I am here doing my daily work -- studying, doing research, and teaching -- I realize that I don't want to be an academic. Teaching takes too much time, research is slow and often unrewarding, and people are smart, but extremely competitive. But whenever I go to this conference, I realize that academia may be the right place for me. Talking to others about research, I always fall in love over and over with social psychology - I think this field asks just the right questions, not too broad, but not too reductionistic either. I get to see my crushes (see here and here ), and my friend Megan. I also get to see famous social psychologists, my own celebs. I just love it.

So this is the source of my confusion. I know I need to get a job that I like most days, not only 3 days a year. On the other hand, I don't know what other job would give me the enthusiam that I get from doing and hearing about basic research.

I will leave you with a picture of my roomates Megan and Kristina, taken at the final party of the conference. I never thought I would say this, but social psychologists know how to party.

Sa fac o scena?

2008-02-03T21:12:00.000-05:00

Esti un om fara prejudecati - si nu ma refer la sensul pe care propozitia asta il are in anunturile matrimoniale. Ma refer la prejudecati sociale. Crezi ca femeile sunt egale cu barbatii, ca oamenii de toate rasele ar trebui sa aiba aceleasi drepturi si oportunitati, sau ca indiferent de orientarea lor sexuala toti oamenii sunt egali.

Esti un om fara prejudecati si din cand in cand auzi colegi sau cunoscuti zicand ceva rasist, misogin, homofob. E poate subtil --- un inocent banc cu blonde, o observatie ca totusi asiaticii ar trebui sa stea la ei acasa daca nu se pot exprima bine in engleza. Sau poate e total abusrd --- gen "sa dam foc la toti tiganii". Ti se ridica tensiunea, inima iti bate mai repede, te gandesti la toate prietenele blonde pe care le ai, la faptul ca cel mai probabil si tu faci parte dintr-un grup fata de care exista prejudecati. Si ce faci? Zambesti incurcat si incerci sa gasesti un nou subiect de conversatie? Sau ramai serios si spui ca bancul nu te amuza pentru ca e misogin si iti violeaza valorile personale? Sau dai cu pumnul in masa si acuzi persoana in cauza de misoginism?

Trei psihologi sociali (Czopp, Monteith, & Mark, 2006) au studiat efectele confruntarii oamenilor care isi exprima prejudecatile. Trei studii arata ca indiferent de felul in care confrunti o persoana care exprima prejudecati (fie mai pasnic, fie mai violent), persoana respectiva va fi mai atenta in viitor. Se pare ca prietenul umorist care zice bancuri cu blonde nu numai ca se va sfii sa mai zica bancuri cu blonde in viitor, dar va avea atitudini mai pozitive fata de femei. Intr-adevar, confruntarea nu va reduce prejudecatile private ale persoanei. Si cel mai probabil va mai incerca bancul cu altii "mai cu umor" decat tine. Dar e un inceput.

Una din observatiile mele referitoare la prejudecatile din Romania este ca normele sociale permit exprimarea prejudecatilor. E ok sa exprimi atitudini negative fata de grupurile de oameni care nu iti plac. Dar daca ne luam inima in dinti si spunem ceva de fiecare data cand auzim un comentariu rasist/homofob/misogin/etc., poate reusim, incet incet, sa schimbam norma sociala. Deci primul pas: nu e ok. Chiar daca se schimba doar comportamentul, in timp se vor schimba si atitudinile private.

Quantum Leap

2008-02-02T15:21:00.000-05:00

I keep complaining not knowing what to do with my life. So I thought I would start big: imagine my perfect life 5 years from now.

Hello. I am Ionuka, I am 32 years old.
- I live in a big city. (Preferably European, but NYC is fine too.)
- I can still make Michael laugh and I can still see the little spark in his eyes when he comes home and sees me.
- My sister lives no more than twenty minutes away from us. (Preferably 5.)
- So does Oli.
- So do other friends.
- I have a job doing research for a non-profit organization. In my job I am using what I've learned in grad school.
- My mum is living in a house in the countryside, near Arad. We often go there to visit her.
- I have a healthy child. My child's best friend is Cico Nan.
- Michael has a job that doesn't start too early in the morning. He spends some evenings writing his first book.
- I am healthy. I can still run 5 miles. In fact, I often go running with my sister.
- I am not a hypochodriac anymore.
- I am living my life mindfully.

Vreau decat sa nu predau

2008-01-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

Citeam ce scria Stingo despre scoala si examenele orale si mi-am dat seama ca exact asa ma simt eu cand vine vorba de predat. Zilele in care trebuie sa predau mi se par de cosmar - fie ca lectia iese bine sau prost, nu suport zilele in care trebuie sa predau. Nu suport sa fiu in fata a 40 de oameni care PLATESC sa fie acolo. Semestrul asta predau un curs de seara, si nu suport ca majoritatea studentilor mei sunt mai in varsta decat mine, castiga mai mult, si au mai multa experienta de viata.

Nu suport ca am accent, ca folosesc prepozitii gresite si ca nu pronunt corect unele cuvine (asa cum m-a atentionat o studenta dupa curs saptamana trecuta). Si dupa fiecare curs care nu imi iese bine simt ca de fapt eu nu stiu nimic, si ca nici nu are rost sa stiu pentru ca studentii oricum o sa creada ce vor ei despre psihologia sociala si nu ce scrie la carte. Si inca un lucru - nu suport ca de fiecare data dupa ce predau ma gandesc la curs ore intregi in loc sa ma duc acasa si sa ma gandesc la Michael sau Stella sau carnea de porc din frigider care trebuie gatita ca daca nu se strica.

(si ma gandesc oare cum se simte Hillary in fiecare seara)

Am citit intr-o carte ca daca tot trebuie sa facem unele lucruri, adica daca tot trebuie sa muncim, ar fi bine sa incepem sa ne placa ceea ce facem, pentru ca altfel pierdem jumatate din viata fiind nemultumiti si ursuzi. Dar mie mi-e asa de greu sa gasesc ce imi place la predat, incat incep sa ma gandesc ca mi-am gresit cariera.

"Baby, I feel so alone"

2008-01-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

My dear friends, I miss dancing with you all, like we did in December, on this beautiful song:

I dream of having all of you around, dressing up, and dancing all night. Even Michael and Cristi would dance. One day...

10 Years Ago

2008-01-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Stingoo, I will write about how I was 10 years ago, even though I wasn't tagged (coughs). I am writing merely because I like to remember things.

Ten years ago I was in my last year of high-school, studying hard for the University entrance exams. I was studying Psychology and Biology, sometimes surprised that I liked Biology a lot more. Like most Romanian students preparing for the entrance exam, I used to go to tutoring once a week - Psychology on Mondays and Biology on Saturday mornings. I remember I had my "tutoring uniform," jeans and a jacket, which annoyed the hell out of my sister.

I had been in love with C. for a year and a half, crying myself to sleep, and not realizing the obvious (which I only realized eight years after anyway). Everybody was turning 18 that year, and the popular "sweet 18" parties started to fill up my social and romantic agenda - making out with C. at those parties was pretty much my only romantic involvement. Of course that didn't help with the crying myself to sleep part.

I was also going through withdrawal from not being in the theater group anymore. However, I would "sneak out" to do it. I particularly remember one time when I participated in this show at school (I had to recite a tragic poem about Federico Garcia Lorca), while my mom got her MRI in Cluj and was diagnosed with MS. I felt really guilty.

The year ended well, with me ranking the 7th out of 500 candidates for the entrance exam at the University, going to Bucharest several times ("Oare ce imi place mai mult, sa frec sau sa fiu frecata?"), going to the seaside with my sister, Oli, Bibanu & Ovi (very good times: anchovies burgers, Tanita, dancing, and talking until dawn), the spectacular solar eclipse in Bucharest, and so much more.

Edit: no Solar Eclipse that year. Stingoo says it was in 1999, and I believe him because I know it was a day he loves to remember.

Something good to believe in

2008-01-02T20:35:00.000-05:00

For a while I have been troubled by not being able to believe in much. This winter I realized that if there is one thing I believe in, that is people. And if there is one place I believe in people most, that is Romania. Again and again, every time I go home I fall in love.

My sister's love and passion for everything. Her joy when I got enough sleep even though she didn't get much. My mom's openness and dark humor. My dad's kindness and endless gifts. Oli's planned drinking and warm hugs. Cristi's smile, the best smile in the Northern hemisphere. Michii's warm (almost motherly) concern whenever we visited her and her DJ-ing skills, Alex's quietness, Bogdan's happiness, Marius' charm late at night, Corina's lovely family, and so on so on so on. I wish I saw all of them every day of my life.

4, 3, 2

2007-12-13T10:54:00.000-05:00

The Romanian movie 4 Months, 3 Weeks And 2 Days received a Golden Globe nomination, after receiving the Palme D'Or at Cannes festival this spring (an award shared, over the years, with Taxi Driver, Pulp Fiction, and Dancer in the Dark). Maybe this will rush its distribution in the US.

(I'm kind of dissapointed that Into the Wild did not get much attention.)

"Run, Ionuka, run" (Raluca)

2007-12-10T17:21:00.000-05:00

You wanna know where I run? Take a look here. I actually stop running a little before the 5-mile point, but it's still pretty good for me. It's about 15 songs worth of running.

If you like to run outside and google pedometer works in your area, please share your route with me. I am fascinated by this!

This (troubled) mind

2007-12-03T22:31:00.000-05:00

Here's the big irony of my life. Ever since I was little I was afraid of dying. Just a few years old, I could not fall asleep thinking that we would all eventually die. I would wake up my parents and ask if it was really like that. Do we all have to die? Wouldn't our family get a break? They would tell me that we all eventually die, and that I should go back to bed. Think about something pretty, like the sea and the waves. For years, I was really good at thinking about the waves and avoiding thinking about death. But lately, I cannot avoid it anymore. Part of it is that I know I can't afford to avoid it. I need to figure out things. But I can't (...) And then, like with all the other negative feelings in my life, I turn it against my body. As I wrote before, I am a hypochondriac. I just can't stop obsessing about diseases. For example now, I have these tiny red dots on my skin that I fear are a sign of leukemia. I asked my doctor about it and she told me not to worry. Yesterday I ran 4.35 miles, part of it uphill. Genes seem to be on my side too. But still, I worry worry worry. So the ironic thing is this. I fear death because I love living. I love the people around me and I don't want to die because I would miss them. But at the same time, I am not enjoying life because I am worried about death all the time. I need to change this, or else... it's all meaningless.

(the sad thing is that my life is really good.)

List.

2007-11-28T19:36:00.000-05:00

Today I taught the last lecture of my first semester of teaching. Even though there are still plenty of things left to do, I feel that I am over a huge hurdle. I spent endless hours in the last three months preparing lectures and materials for my class. I can definitely say that it has been the most challenging professional thing I've done so far. Some people are born to teach. I am not, but I still want to be good at it. That's why it was so hard. But I did learn a lot.

I learned that work doesn't make me happy. Not even good work. Whenever I had a good lecture, I felt good about it, but I hated that something work-related made me feel good. I know, I am weird.

I learned that I only live truly and fully when I am with the people I love and/or when I am on vacation.

I learned that some lectures are good and some are bad, regardless of how much I prepare. It pisses me off that I can't figure out how to control that.

I learned that, unlike me, most students don't like to listen. They like to talk and watch YouTube videos.

I learned that my adviser appreciates me and cares for me far more than I thought.

I learned that, because I hate being concerned and anxious about work, I turn these anxieties against myself, especially against my body. For about a month, I had this continuous neck and arm pain. An expensive pillow, some muscle relaxers, and the realization that it's ok to be bothered by work stuff helped me a lot. I am still in pain from time to time, but I can manage it.

I learned that I like to wear serious clothes and high heels.

I learned that I tend to use upspeak, and I should stop doing that. Upseak is when you end a statement as if you're asking a questions. It makes you seem less confident.

And I learned again how lucky I am to have Michael, my sister, my mum, and my friends to talk to about all this.

Apel

2007-11-20T10:08:00.000-05:00

catre baieti: Alex, Bogdan, Marian, Norbi si Stefan.

Dragii mei,
m-as bucura daca ati veni la Arad un pic mai devreme decat am auzit ca planuiti. Eu plec pe 31 Decembrie inapoi, si asta inseamana ca plec din Arad pe 30 seara. Daca voi veniti pe 29, atunci probabil vom putea petrece doar o seara impreuna, ceea ce mi-ar frange inima. Promit ca o sa fac o noua bautura citrico-alcolica, ca imi aduc playlistul de dansat la care lucrez de o luna, si ca nu o sa adorm. No bine?

Sa mai intrati pă blog

2007-11-13T14:58:00.001-05:00

Bine, dar eu de ce nu mai scriu? S-au intamplat atatea. Dar nu sunt intamplari de blog. Nu am nicio observatie smechera, nicio critica acida, nicio nostalgie universala. Zilele astea scriu intr-un caiet, pentru ca acolo pot fi sincera si proasta si siropoasa. Plus ca am citit niste studii care spun ca ajuta.

Am emotii ca mergem acasa. N-am mai fost pe timp de iarna din 2004, cand a fost greu. Acum stau doar 10 zile. Sper sa stiu sa profit de ele.

Ma enerveaza pe Gmailul in romana ca zice "intrati pe chat". Ce-i cu "pe"-ul ala? Bine ca nu zice "Intrati pă chat".

(imi amintesc de o mica sceneta pe care o aveam cu Oli sau Cata despre "pe" vs "in". Gesticulam ceva. Vai, cate scenete aveam. Tin minte foarte bine sceneta cu domnul de la fabrica care isi scutura piciorul ca sa ii pice un cui prin buzunarul rupt, in timp ce se sprijinea de zid, si colegul lui i-a retezat mana crezand se curenteaza. Eu eram muncitorul, Oli era colegul care reteza mana.)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

2007-10-25T11:36:00.000-04:00

I often cringe when I hear women say that women are not disadvantaged anymore. I want to shake them up and scream in their ears that it's ok to notice gender inequality and it's ok to be a feminist. It doesn't mean you can't shave your legs. But I would probably be seen as an angry woman...

A study by Victoria Brescoll shows that women are seen unfavorably when they express anger in the work place. While it's ok for men in power positions to express anger, women are seen as "out of control and incompetent." I get this. Showing anger is inconsistent with the female stereotype, and we don't like inconsistency. We like to confirm our stereotypes.

However, another study by Stephanie Shields also shows that women are seen more unfavorably than men when they cry in public. Crying is obviously a female stereotype consistent behavior. So why do we still dislike it? And what emotion would be appropriate for a woman to display publicly?

(...also a little disappointed by Bill Maher's sexist reaction --- at the end of "The Crying Game" article)

Fly me to Martinique...

2007-10-23T18:21:00.000-04:00

...zice o reclama la o companie aeriana. In fiecare zi cand ma duc la scoala vad panoul cu reclama asta. Si mi se face dor de plecat, undeva, oriunde.

Anul asta o sa mi se implineasca dorintele. Iata planul:

- Decembrie: Romania
- Februarie: Albuquerque, New Mexico - la o conferinta
- Martie: Vancouver, Canada - la Cata
- Iunie/Iulie: Romania, Croatia - la o alta conferinta, Lituania si Estonia (luna de miere)

Da. Ar trebui sa jefuiesc o banca. Sau sa ma marit cu un magnat. Sau sa pariez pe cai.

AIDSwalk Atlanta 2007

2007-10-21T20:06:00.000-04:00

I ran the 5K AIDS run today. Thanks to Raluca, Frances, Patti, Jay, and an anonymous person who donated money!

I raised $150, which will be used by AID Atlanta to provide free HIV testing, counseling and support for HIV positive people, as well as educational programs aimed at preventing HIV transmission. It's a good cause.

It was heartwarming to see all the people who participated and who are trying to do something for this cause. I also got kind of sad thinking how such an initiative would not be very successful in Romania. I thought about the great variety of reasons this walk/run would not succeed there, and most of all, I think it's because we collective lack self-efficacy. We just don't believe we can make a difference.

love love Tel Aviv

2007-10-13T16:14:00.000-04:00

I heart The Bubble. Go see it if you can.

Out on Film

2007-10-10T20:31:00.000-04:00

OUT ON FILM, the Atlanta Gay and Lesbian Film Festival is starting tomorrow. The line-up looks great and we already have chosen nine movies we want to see. We'll probably have to settle for less though.

Hai la bere. Nu. Esti autist.

2007-10-07T11:46:00.000-04:00

Am observat ca in limba romana termenul de autist e din ce in ce mai des folosit pentru a desemna un comportament social mai retras. Esti timid? Clar, esti autist. Vrei sa fii lasat singur in seara asta? Ba, asta e autist. Ma uit la stiri din Romania, si citesc in feed-reader la Hotnews : "Cu toate ca s-au comportat autist, cei de la Muse, au strans, sambata, pe stadionul national de rugby Arcul de Triumf, peste 10.000 de oameni." Citesc mai departe si vad ca "diagnosticul" a fost dat pentru ca Muse au adresat doar cateva cuvinte publicului. Specialitatea mea nu e in psihologia dezvoltarii (autismul fiind in special o tulburare de dezvoltare) si nici psihologia clinica, astfel incat sa stiu sa dau diagnostice. Dar din cate am citit despre autism, e ceva mult mai serios si mai cuprinzator decat o simpla lipsa de socializare. Intr-adevar, cuprinde o tulburare de relationare sociala, dar si de cognitie sociala, limbaj si gandire simbolica. Are un substrat neurologic, vizibil in creierul pacientilor autisti (de exemplu, studii de imagistica a creierului au aratat ca lobul frontal e mai putin conectat cu alte structuri ale creierului in pacientii adulti care sufera de autism). Mai multe aici.

Nu stiu de ce ma deranjeaza abuzul acestui termen. Ar trebui sa ma deranjeze in egala masura abuzul termenilor "paranoic", "shizofren", "sclerozat" (de fapt asta din urma ma deranjeaza foarte mult). Poate ma deranjeaza pentru ca termenul devine asociat cu o evaluare negativa, cand de fapt este o tulburare fiziologica care nu are nimic de a face cu o judecata de valoare. Nu cred ca vom reusi sa eliminam stimgatizarea tulburarilor mentale, atata vreme cat folosim numele acestora in limbajul comun pentru a eticheta negativ anumite comportamente.

Should I stay or should I go?

2007-10-05T15:34:00.000-04:00

I am working in my office and I am told to look at the CNN home page. Developing story: chemical spill at Georgia State. Of course nobody told us here. Of course the university homepage has no information about it. So right now we're watching images filmed from a helicopter flying over our buildings. Weird.

"Every Life Deserves Hope"

2007-09-20T16:08:00.000-04:00

I decided to run the 5K for Atlanta's AIDS walk on October 21st, 2007. If you want to donate money for this cause in my name, please go to my page.

Thank you!

Fiecare in parte

2007-09-18T19:33:00.001-04:00

Uneori mi se pare ca fiecare viata de om e o mare tragedie, pentru ca se termina cu moartea. Nici o moarte nu mi se pare demna, frumoasa, sau dreapta.

Nu stiu. uneori asa ma pierd...

Kapitulation

2007-09-10T21:29:00.000-04:00

I was very happy in Budapest this year. I felt free, I felt thin, I felt like I could do so many things... I spent the first day alone, because Michael's plane only came in later. I walked around, I went to the farmers' market in Buda and then drank coffee on a terrace while it was raining very hard. I looked at houses and imagined we would one day live there, have kids, a dog, and Stella in the window. We would have a tiny car and I would often take the train to go home and visit my family. We would learn Hungarian and feel at home.

Whenever it gets hard, I remember that feeling I had in Budapest and it kind of makes it all worth it. To help with that, I listen to the song that was on MTV Germany all the time in the hotel: Tocotronic - Kapitulation (Fuck it all).

To Do

2007-09-10T21:11:00.000-04:00

Read at least four articles a week for my general exam. Run at least three times a week. Plan the lectures at least a week in advance. Wake up at least at 7:30 am. Don't eat after 6:00 pm. Do my neck exercises at least once a day. Submit at least two papers by the end of the semester.

My life has become this self-imposed checklist that I can't escape without guilt. This seems to be the most challenging semester for me so far. Ever. Like Yoshimi, I take lots of vitamins, but it doesn't seem to help yet.

But my question is

Is it worth it?

P.S. I just want to dance with them.

Cui pe cui pe bere

2007-08-28T12:43:00.000-04:00

Eu am un playlist de stors lacrimi. L-am alcatuit atenta, piesa dupa piesa, intr-o zi cand veneam de la scoala si ma simteam excedata de tot ce mi se intampla. Uneori e prea mult si prea greu la scoala, iar eu simt ca nu o sa fac niciodata fata. Sunt momentele cand imi dau seama ca sunt si la mana profesorilor care imi dau prea mult de lucru, si a studentilor carora le predau, si pe care trebuie sa ii fac fericiti. Iar din mine nu mai ramane nimic. Asta nu se intampla in fiecare zi, dar probabil cel putin o data pe saptamana.

Cand plec de la scoala in acele zile, sunt coplesita si imi vine sa plang de ciuda. Atunci ascult playlistul de stors lacrimi, care imi augmenteaza starea, pana cand in sfarsit pot sa plang. In general, lacrimile incep la a doua statie de metrou (in metrou e ok sa plangi, ca nimeni nu se uita la tine). Pana ajung la statia mea, imi trece. Urmeaza 10 minute de mers pe jos, in care imi revin treptat. Numa bine ajung acasa descaracata de toate cacaturile de la scoala.

Morala acestui post este: cui pe cui se scoate*. Sau berea de dimineata alunga mahmureala. Minus ori minus egal plus. Sau ca e bine sa plangi.

Spicuiri din playlist:
Marco Antonio Solis - Si No Te Hubieras Ido
Antony & The Johnsons - Cripple and the Starfish
Modern English - I Melt With You
Otis Redding - These Arms Of Mine
The Arcade Fire - Crown Of Love

* cand eram mica, credeam ca expresia "cui pe cui se scoate" inseamna "cine pe cine bate - adica 'scoate' din lupta" si 'cui' este pronume la dativ.

My first class

2007-08-19T13:26:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I am teaching a college class for the first time. I am terrified and excited at the same time.

This is how I imagine my students:

At the same time I want them to like me. Love me. I want them to be more like this:

Wish me luck.

Later edit: It was fine. As Blue Dog predicted, most of them were curious puppies, but I also had two... overly excited and not at all serious puppies who constantly talked and laughed. Anyway, I am almost ready for my second class today. Thanks for your messages!

Shoot me a baby

2007-08-16T10:23:00.000-04:00

Two things I hate:

1. The expression "shoot me an email." Others are as disturbed as me (here).

2. Baby pictures with captions in the first person singular. For example: "This is me and my mommy at the seaside", "Daddy is feeding me fruits", or a cranky looking baby saying "Let me sleep, mommy!"

I have news: babies don't talk. Look Who's Talking and Look Who's Talking Too don't count. However, if we were to accept the convention of baby talk, I think they should go all the way. Like a naked baby picture saying "I hate mommy for letting my penis show in this picture. It's small and unflattering, and I have no pubic hair."

How I know I am marrying a good man

2007-08-05T23:56:00.000-04:00

Movies are not real life. People in movies forget to close doors behind them, fail to pay the cab driver, or they run from the restaurant without paying the check. Every time this happens in a movie, I look over at Michael and I see him becoming more uncomfortable by the second. The man is clearly disturbed. How can they forget about the check? He can't help worrying about it. Sometimes, when I am not looking, I just hear a desperate call from the couch: "...the check!" If he could, I am sure he would step into the TV set, pay the check, and leave a generous tip. That's how I know I am marrying a good man.

Parazitii TV

2007-08-01T19:15:00.002-04:00

In anul 1994 aveam 14 ani. Eram in clasa a noua, dar eram foarte matura pentru varsta mea. Citisem deja marii clasici, aveam breton suspendat, si ma machiam cu mult negru la ochi.

In anul 1994 ma uitam la postul TV local Intersat. In fiecare sambata ma uitam la o emisiune cum n-am mai vazut niciodata: Parazitii TV. Parazitii erau patru tineri aradeni care aveau foarte mult umor. Imi amintesc ca m-am indragostit de Parazitii TV cand au facut "Top 5 cele mai puturoase locuri din Arad."

Peste cateva luni, sora mea si colega ei de banca s-au imprietenit cu Parazitii. Cum eu faceam tot ce facea sora mea, m-am imprietenit si eu cu ei. Am inceput sa iesim la Libelula (cofetaria hip din Arad), la joyrideuri, la Ghioroc, si uneori la "prajiturica". Obisnuiam sa visam la barbatul perfect, combinatie Guti+Zumi+Remus+Florin.

Dupa 14 ani, am descoperit extrase din Parazitii TV pe YouTube. Si mi se par la fel de funny si bine facute. Multumesc, Florin!

In continuare, enjoy Videoman si Robotul XT 286 caruia prietenii ii spun XT 28.

(multumesc Cristi pentru descoperire!)

Raluca

2007-08-01T19:15:00.000-04:00

I've always envied bloggers who write about meeting other bloggers. Last year I had the chance to briefly meet lovely Moni during our trip to New York. This year, I had the pleasure of meeting Raluca, whose blog inspired me to write my own blog.

Some highlights:
- Raluca is a wonderful person and I regret not meeting her while we lived in the same city for two years;
- best mici I've ever eaten;
- getting tipsy and watching somebody juggle is absolutely mesmerizing;
- it is delightful to connect with somebody so easily as I did with Raluca. I am looking forward to her visit here!

Bird Gherl's more tears

2007-07-24T21:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, some things are so sad and unfair that I have a hard time believing in anything.

Bird Gerhl's little tears

2007-07-19T00:24:00.000-04:00

The number of my daily visitors is going down. Not that it was ever high (except for the days I check my blog obsessively). I often think about writing, but I never seem to get through with it. I want to write about summer, the summers of my childhood, and how summers should be work-free.

I am listening to Tindersticks and this could not help. Me.

Now Antony. Antony can rip my heart in two.

So I'd better not write, because I'll only write about depressive stuff.

Back from the Pacific

2007-07-10T22:41:00.000-04:00

We just got back from a quick visit to the Seattle area, where we visited Michael's extended family. And I really mean extended. There are hundreds of them.

Our friend Bogdan predicted we'd have three boys. We decided to name them Elliot, Roy, and Jeff, after all the troubled musicians that we like.

I haven't slept for 30 hours. And I drank beer.

How to get in without a ticket: TIFF opening night

2007-07-02T12:37:00.000-04:00

a plan devised by Cata

Dor

2007-06-24T23:04:00.000-04:00

Foca Coca, mi-e dor de tine!

Back and Away

2007-06-15T20:38:00.000-04:00

back to the US
back to silly TV shows and news about Paris Hilton
back to school and emails I HAVE to answer within five minutes of reaching my inbox
back to eating huge portions and drinking a lot of ice water
back to a life that doesn't belong to me

Ea

2007-06-11T12:48:00.000-04:00

Catalina are cel mai frumos suflet din cate cunosc.

Cand Catalina a plecat in Canada, adica azi, toata lumea a fost foarte trista. Cand eu am plecat prima oara in America, lumea nu parea asa de trista, probabil pentru ca se asteptau la asta de la mine si simteau ca sunt oarecum absenta. Dar nimeni nu se astepta de la Catalina sa plece, asta pentru ca ea este intotdeauna suta la suta prezenta in fiecare relatie a ei.

Catalina are cel mai frumos suflet din cate cunosc.

Gata

2007-05-26T17:17:00.000-04:00

Si deodata vine un film, o prostie, care nici nu e legata de ce mi s-a intamplat, dar care ma face sa imi dau seama ca nu mai am niciun regret. Vinovatia s-a dus, nu regret nimic, si ma bucur ca am avut acea experienta, pentru ca acuma stiu cum e. Si desi a durut ca frasu, si m-am chinuit ca frasu, ma bucur ca e acolo, izvor neincetat de empatie. Be kind to yourself, I tell myself. You're a good person.

Some Train Magic (lived and written by Michael)

2007-05-23T06:02:00.000-04:00

While clutching an obscure Illyrian fable, I slump where I sit. My drowsiness always infects me on this daily trek home. I sometimes slip into another land with gnarly creatures and warm blankets. The head dips for 3, 4 or 5 minutes and then snaps up violently into the same sunny world I left. I quickly regain my composure even though my heart races. I blink a few times to clear the cobwebs. This is the commute home on the train in Atlanta.
You expect grim, exhausted workers to pile on at various stops on the North-South line. They come in short gaggles at first. Then, as you get closer to the city center, they squeeze on. It's usually not a crush though, just a full procession.

On some days you get the over-enthusiastic, sexless, hockey-bound fan (affectionately know as a "Thrasher"). They always have too much energy for us- the plebeians. Everyone quietly abhors these silly white males. We also abhor the cheery, careless shoppers and the frequently talkative conventioneers who bip around the city or to the airport.

From time to time an angry young black male and his hyped up white "girlfriend" storm on without sitting very close to one another. The distance means nothing however. He owns her. Some might think they're quarrelling sweethearts. They might be pouting because one or the other may have forgotten an anniversary. I wish this were true. Look closer. You'll see the track marks. You'll see the heavy dark furrowed brows and the baggy eyes from a young life spent in desperation. Sparks of acid fly from his lips as he admonishes her. She stares and kills all of man's lechery. As a bystander you don't want to look too hard, but for the life of me I'm drawn to the scene like a magnet. The dynamic is so different from others on board. It's that rubbernecking phenomenon. I have to find out more and…see something.

We ramble on, hoping for an exciting or at least interesting-looking character to make a cameo on our otherwise mundane trip home. I got a treat at Peachtree Center the other day. A very large rolling trunk preceded them. They began talking about, uh, I don't know. Something about how awkward the luggage seemed. They wanted to be heard and seen. One guy immediately spotted the tall, blond woman across from him. He gave a look from time to time, sensing he had a shot at her. His overconfidence surprised me. I mean, he's like this balding middle-aged man. Who wants that?

His "just past middle age" companion surrounded the trunk. It must have been important. To acknowledge his male prowess, the bald guy kept winking and nodding to his buddy like they were famous celebs. We all watched these idiots from our seats. I frowned at the absurdity. They couldn't be anything. They just looked like well scrubbed losers.

I watched for slip ups.

The bald guy kept up his, now creepy, leering at the blond. She readjusted her luggage and kept her gaze away from him.

The companion, a little too loudly, said, "I think that third act went pretty well, don't you?"

Bald guy said, "Yeahhhh…but I need to tweak it you know. I'm not sure there was enough suspense."

Jesus! Could these guys talk a little louder? Do we really need to know they are entertainers of some sort? Entertainers!

Well, with their comment and the huge stand-up trunk, they got the attention they thought they deserved. More power to them. They had no idea.

An eager young guy standing next to them asked, "What do you do?"

In a flat tone the bald guy answered, "We're magicians. We're here for a conference. Just got finished."

They were just asking for trouble now.

Some gold-toothed young guy next to me stood up in a weird hunched posture to impart, "What do y'all think of Chris Angel? You think it's real?"

They just nodded, sensing they'd opened the wrong can o' worms.

The ubiquitous crack whore who'd gotten on at Garnett exclaimed, "Ooh, I like magic. What y'all do?"

Bald guy said politely- the way celebrities talk down to the peons on the street, "We do some card tricks and some acts of illusion."

She then moved in and asked, "Can you make me disappear?"

Standing companion man replied, "Uh, no- not here." He smiled uncomfortably.

Crack whore with no teeth handed them a bag of chili Cheetos.

"Take it. I want you to have it," she said.

"No thanks. That's nice, but we're really not hungry," said bald boy.

Crack whore vehemently placed it in front of his face. He declined again and looked a bit flustered. Like: How am I gonna get out of this? She loudly snatched them back, sat back down and turned her backside to them damn magicians. She opened the bag and started gumming her snack.

The guy next to me, whom I mentioned before, said, "I'll take those Cheetos." She didn't answer and just kept on munching.

In the meantime more interested passengers descended upon the magic boys. One guy asked if they played Vegas- they had.

"We like to play Atlantic City more though, cause our home is in New York. I like the Hip Hop scene more there," said the standing magic man.

What a weird comment from some guy at least 55 yrs old. I know he was attempting to follow through on the Hip Hop world by wearing baggy Sean John blue jeans and a fluorescent colored Yankees hat, tilted to the side, but come on. He's not fooling anyone. He ain't just "Jenny from the block." He's some middle-upper class Jew that's foolishly dressed like Usher on his day off. What a comical sight. With the "Hip Hop" segue, he thought he'd engage black people in a conversation about rap.

"Do you know Cool G Rap? He's from my town-Queens. You been there?" said the oldest rap fan in the world.

"I'm from Jamaica. You know that?" some older black man asked.

"Yeah- well, that's my old stomping ground. You must know Ali Vegas? No? Well, we go way back. I used to hang out wit him all the time. He's a good guy."

Old Jew hip hopper name dropped some more without an inkling of recognition on his audience's part. You could see him sinking through the floor. He then pulled out his "bullshit" ace in the hole story about Ja Rule. I don't remember it. I just know of its fabricated nature. These guys couldn't have any real connections. If they did, they'd have told them not to ride MARTA with a full-sized trunk.

At some point, Oakland City for those in the know, the crack whore left. Bald guy attempted to thank her again.

"Hey, thanks a lot. We really did appreciate your gesture."

She sassily veered away and walked off with her bag of Cheetos. She didn't disappear. She just staggered out into her world.

Home, Acasa

2007-05-21T05:53:00.000-04:00

I have been home for exactly 18 days. I drank many beers, I had a throat infection, a foot pain, some fights with my mom. I saw bad plays, I met good friends, I walked and ran and lost some weight. I went to Andreea and Tudor's wedding, Casa De Piatra!

I got a haircut. I didn't touch one page of my General Exam readings. I didn't read a lot of blogs, I didn't take many pictures, I just lived from day to day. It's my one month of exuberance and disorganization.

I miss Michael.

I think I know how old people feel when memory fails them. I don't remember street names in my hometown. People mention street names, and they all sound familiar to me, but I just can't remember exactly where they are. I manage to get places, but I do it automatically. I just find my way around.

Some things I'll never understand

2007-05-01T10:54:00.000-04:00

We were on the train yesterday coming home from work/school. A White woman got on, carrying several suitcases, obviously going to the airport. A couple of stops later, it just so happened that several Black people got on the train at the same time. The White woman immediately turned her diamond ring on her finger, so that the diamond was on the inside of her palm. It's been almost 24 hours of thinking about it, and I still don't get it. Did she think a Black person will just rush at her finger, pulling her ring off? Was she afraid of the Black mother carrying her child or the nice 50 year-old Black guy reading a book on how to fix a dishwasher? Some things I'll never understand.

Fertile Grant Park

2007-04-27T21:19:00.000-04:00

If you happen to live in Atlanta or just pass by, don't ever go to Dakota Blue in the Grant Park neighborhood, unless you have a child or two. Or at least you're pregnant with a visible belly. We went tonight and were a minority. At least half of the clients were chidren. Children with painted faces, children running aroung, screaming, wanting or not wanting to eat, spilling food, splashing water, or sleeping. Next to us, two very pregnant women were talking about their cravings. I think Michael put it best: "I didn't know they [people of Grant Park] were so fertile."

The food wasn't great either. So just go around the block to Solstice cafe, where there are no children, people still smoke, and you can bring your own alcohool.

Din categora MODA

2007-04-26T14:45:00.000-04:00

Uneori nu ma pot decide daca ma imbrac ok sau ca o pocaita cuminte dar trendy. De exemplu azi. Sa o luam de jos. Flip-flopsi cu talpa subtire si bentita argintie. Fusta lunga pana la glezne de matase groasa, bordo. Bluza neagra cu decolteu in V si maneci 3/4. Geaca de blugi, albastru inchis.

Nu ma pot decide.

Random

2007-04-16T14:21:00.000-04:00

What's scary is how random it all is. Where will it happen next?

VA Tech developing story here.

10 days of movies

2007-04-09T15:17:00.002-04:00

Atlanta Film Festival is here! Check out the films!

As Time Goes By

2007-04-09T15:17:00.001-04:00

Real Simple, one of my current favorite magazines, published the Hypochondriac's Handbook - a guide to know which symptoms are truly worth worrying about

As someone who has been to an emergency clinic in fear of having a heart attack at 26, I find this very useful. Chances are that a chest pain is just a chest pain, a headache is just a headache, and a kiss is just a kiss.

My Two

2007-04-09T15:17:00.000-04:00

I am happy because I am going home to Arad in 23 days. I am happy because I will get to be with my sister, my mom, my dad, and Vivi our dog. I am happy because I will see my friends Cristi, Michii, and IoanaZ. I will go to theater and film festivals, and I will visit my friends from Bucharest, Amalia, Alex, Bogdan, and Marian. I will eat the simple but delicious food I grew up with, I will go to the dentist, I will drink strong beer in an old courtyard transformed into a bar. I am excited because I will walk down the street and, invariably, meet somebody I know. I never just bump into people here.

I am not happy because I will be away from Michael. Ever since I got to know him better in 2003, my need to be with Michael is almost organic. Being without him makes me feel I am missing a limb. I can't eat right, and whether I am happy or sad, I feel somewhat empty because I can't share it with him. I also feel sad because I know he is alone here. I know it's cheesy. I know. But in the last four years he has become my second pillar in life. The first one is my sister.

It's hard to have two pillars that are so far apart.

The Lucifer Effect

2007-03-27T10:26:00.000-04:00

What looks to be an interesting book: The Lucifer Effect: Understanding how good people turn evil, by famous living psychologist Philip Zimbardo. Is evil part of the human nature, or is determined by the various situations we find ourselves in? As a social psychologist, I expect Zim (as he signs his listserv emails) to take the second approach. But I guess I'll have to read and see.

SEM sleep

2007-03-26T23:33:00.000-04:00

I started to have Structural Equation Modelling nightmares. It's not like the models have monster faces or anything. The nightmares involve trying to draw the models, moving arrows around, adding little text boxes for coefficents, etc. The arrows keep slipping or the text boxes move around and are out of control. Then, just as I am done, I realize I overlooked some dumb number, and the model is not right, so I have to do everything again. I can't wait for the semester to be over, so I can go back to dreaming about puppies.

Dream update: I dreamt that my stats professor released three angry wolves at me. they kept biting my legs. I hated him, although, in real life, he is the nicest, sweetest, best stats teacher IN THE WORLD.

Trei triste revelatii (plus ma dor muschii)

2007-03-24T10:18:00.000-04:00

Incercand sa adorm ieri, pe la 3 dimineata, mi-am dat seama ca nu am mai avut o ridicare de stomac de ani de zile. Asta pentru ca mi-era stomacul foarte gol si senzatia era oarecum asemanatoare cu o ridicare de stomac.

Cand eram mici radeam cu Cata si mama de persoanele care se fereau sa bea dupa altii. De exemplu, tanti Honey care bea cafea din partea de deasupra manerului canii, pentru ca probabilitatea ca altii sa nu fi baut de acolo era mai mare. (O vreme am inceput sa beau si eu acolo, doar pentru a balansa probabilitatile.) Pe masura ce imbatranesc (da, imbatranesc), ma feresc tot mai mult sa beau dupa altii, si nu ma mai suport pentru ca imi dau seama ca sunt ca tanti Honey.

Ieri am participat la o discutie la scoala despre cum se obtine o slujba academica. Sinistru. La fiecare scoala cu care intervievezi trebuie sa petreci doua zile de interviuri (jumatate de ora cu fiecare profesor din catedra), prezentari, pranz cu studentii, cina cu profesorii. De cand pasesti pe aeroport, unde esti asteptat de un membru al catedrei, esti evaluat. Sincera sa fiu, eu nu ma simt in stare de asa ceva.

Le tag

2007-03-15T23:22:00.000-04:00

1. Principala mea trăsătură: sunt extrem de atenta la unele lucruri, oameni.
2. Calitatea pe care doresc să o întâlnesc la un bărbat: bunatatea.
3. Calitatea pe care o prefer la o femeie: bunatatea.
4. Ce preţuiesc mai mult la prietenii mei: bunatatea.
5. Principalul meu defect: barfesc prea mult.
6. Îndeletnicirea mea preferata: statul cu oamenii importanti mie.
7. Fericirea pe care mi-o visez: sa fiu in preajma familiei mele impreuna cu Michael.
8. Care ar fi pentru mine cea mai mare nenorocire: moartea celor dragi sau sa fiu constienta ca voi muri in curand.
9. Locul unde aş vrea să trăiesc: Bucuresti, Romania.
10. Culoarea mea preferată: verde.
11. Floarea care-mi place: crizantemele.
12. Pasărea mea preferată: vrabiuta.
13. Prozatorii mei preferaţi: J.D. Salinger, Jeffrey Eugenides, Philip Roth, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Camil Petrescu, Nina Berberova.
14. Poeţii mei preferaţi: Lucian Blaga.
15. Eroii mei preferaţi din literatură: Jaromil din Viata e in alta parte, Vladimir din The Russian Debutante's Handbook, baietii din familia Glass din Franny & Zooey, 9 povestiri, si Seymour,
16. Eroinele mele preferate din literatură: Franny din Franny & Zooey, Ursula din Un veac de singuratate, Desdemona din Middlesex,
17. Compozitorii mei preferaţi: nu prea mai stiu. Cand cantam la pian imi placea sa cant Mozart si Bach.
18. Pictorii mei preferaţi: Brueghel si alti pictori danezi
19. Eroul meu preferat din viaţa reală: ? sora unui prieten de-a lui Michael. Pare o persoana foarte sincera in cautarea unui echilibru personal.
20. Ce urăsc cel mai mult: relatiile de putere
21. Calitatea pe care aş vrea s-o am din naştere: lipsa fricii
22. Cum aş vrea să mor: in somn sau alta stare de inconstienta.
23. Greşelile ce-mi inspiră cea mai mare indulgenţă: probabil cele facute din dragoste (desi adesea sunt si cele mai grave)
24. Deviza mea: "Ce tie nu-ti place, altuia nu-i face"
Cele trei întrebări adăugate de Oblia:
25. Gânditorii mei preferaţi: Descartes, pentru ca ii placea sa creeze stand in pat
26. Mitul meu preferat: nu mai stiu mituri. 4 ani in america mi-au sters miturile din minte.
27. Atleţii mei preferaţi: Aurelia Dobre, Christina Egerszegy, Big Baby

Dau mai departe: Raluca, Waver, si Ovidiu.

Manu Chao

2007-03-13T21:42:00.000-04:00

Tonight I rediscovered Manu Chao. I used to listen to his music a lot in Romania, but not so much since I came to the US. He's not very popular here and I didn't bring any of his albums. Tonight I rediscovered Manu Chao in a different light. I actually listened more and danced less. I discovered he's not only about the rhythm, but also about serious stuff like immigration and true diversity, the dream of a better and peaceful world, and love (I think :)).

Personally, Manu Chao reminds of my 22nd birthday when my sister forced Marius to buy me a gift which turned out to be Manu Chao's Próxima Estación: Esperanza. It also reminds me of the 2002 - 2003 NYE party when we played this tape many times because it was one of the only ones we had. He also reminds me of our beautiful friend Ismael from Almagro, who told us that once he was walking around in Madrid and saw Manu Chao spontaneously performing on the street. That's just the kind of artist he is.

I wish I could see Manu Chao live.

(click here to watch an interview in English with him)

Lungile dupa-amieze

2007-03-11T12:49:00.000-04:00

De multe ori o invidiez pe Stella pentru ca sta ore intregi, aproape nemiscata, in fereastra dormitorului nostru. Cred ca se uita la cum se misca frunzele cand bate vantul, la veveritele care se plimba prin gradina vecinilor. Uneori pare foarte concentrata, si atunci imi imaginez ca incearca sa auda o pasare care e foarte departe.

In dupa-amiezele astea o invidiez pe Stella pentru ca imi aduce aminte de cand eram mici, si stateam cu Cata la bunicii nostri. Nu am avut clasica copilarie la tara, bunicii nostri locuiau la bloc. Dar aveau o gradina in spatele blocului si un balcon inchis unde ne-am petrecut cele mai lungi dupa-amieze ale copilariei. Stateam si asteptam ca timpul sa treaca, in timp ce ascultam zgomote indepartate: copiii care se jucau in curte, un cocos dereglat, pasari, o cearta din bloc, zgomote de vase din bucatarie, sau vantul prin frunzele nucului plantat de bunica noastra. Uneori ne uitam pe cartea cu Luna-Betiluna, ne rostogoleam pe patul bunicului nostru, sau ne uitam in dulapul cu miros specific in care isi tinea produsele primite din Germania (after-shave, biscuiti). Timpul trecea foarte foarte greu, o jumatate de zi parea o saptamana, iar o saptamana parea o eternitate.